Birth After Cesarean

Closing in on 1 month

2011-08-09T18:01:00.002-04:00

In just 5 days Ethan will already be 1 month old! In a way it's sad because this is our last child and he is already looking less and less like a newborn everyday. But it is also GREAT because though newborns are adorable and cuddly and everybody oohs and ahhs over them -- I am not a fan of the newborn phase. At all. I love from about 6 months on when they aren't so needy and sleep better.

We are all adjusting well. Of course we have our days, but so far it seems as if adding Ethan to our family was pretty damn easy. I have taken all 3 kids out on my own a few times, and it was not bad! I think I've got this. ;)

About my last post... I am feeling much better. I hate feeling like crap, so I am glad it has passed. I am starting to feel more like myself, bleeding has stopped, soreness is going away, and besides a little flabtastic tummy, I look like I did pre-pregnancy. Hopefully soon I will feel well enough to start working my way up to jogging again.

Now that the pregnancy and birth has passed, I am back to focusing on other things, like starting school again, which should start sometime in January. Ethan will be about 6 months old. I am hoping he will be sleeping better and I will feel ready by then. I'm not going to lie - I am extremely nervous about having 3 young children and attempting school again. Not to mention Jason is going back for his Master's then too. We will be pretty busy and probably never see eachother.

I'll leave you with a few recent pics of my new chunk-o-munk:

As you can see, Mason adores his little brother. <3

Once again, loving my wrap!

Postpartum sucks

2011-08-01T16:06:00.002-04:00

I don't know if I've ever written about how much I loathe the postpartum period, but I do. I really, really do. I hate the fluctuating hormones making me feel totally out of whack, recovery from the birth, the nasty night sweats, bleeding for what seems like forever (though I must say after this c-section, it hasn't been much at all), losing hair for months, initial lack of sleep, simply adjusting to the new family, and the baby blues.

I certainly get the baby blues. I know most women do, and it's a normal part of postpartum, but I still hate it. Here we are, 18 days since Ethan joined our family, and I am starting to feel the familiar sadness creeping in. I am doing the best to fight it, but it's there.

The adjustment to 3 hasn't been bad at all. It's actually been much easier than anticipated. Ethan is a really easy baby too... but I am tired. I had at least some time to myself when it was just Mason and Hannah, but now I have none. There is always a child with me, right up until bedtime. Did I mention I am tired?

So, yeah, I am feeling sad. Jason went back to work today, and the suckage of just being one of me and three of them has sunk in a bit. I could use another pair of hands. Or two. I could use some more sleep, too. Maybe a glass of wine, or three.

I am just waiting for these initial 6 weeks -- aka "the survival period" -- to pass, when things start to settle down and I start to feel more like myself.

Ethan's birth story

2011-07-24T22:00:00.002-04:00

Ethan James
Born July 14th at 8:30 AM
10 lbs 2 oz and 21.5" long

The day before my scheduled c-section, my sister Angel came over. She was going to stay over a few nights with the kids, as well as go out to celebrate my "last meal". We went to The Olive Garden to stuff ourselves. While there, I recieved a phone call from the hospital. I was told that my c-section was going to be bumped earlier. Either I had to go in at 5:45 AM for a 7:30 c-section, or had to wait later in the day for who knows how long. Of course I told them earlier would be fine. It was perfect in fact. I wanted to go in earlier to get it over with instead of being jittery all morning, it worked better for visiting family, and as an added bonus, I didn't have to fast as long. I left the restaurant even more excited and anxious than I was went I went in; at that point it meant I was going to have a baby in 12 hours, and finally find out if we were having another son or daughter (BTW, I highly recommend not finding out the sex -- it was awesome).

When we got home, we put the kids to bed. Earlier in the day it had been pretty hot and humid outside, but by the time we got home, it was breezy and very cool. It was a perfect night. I went down to the basement where Jason was working on his computer, and we went out to the backyard. It was gorgeous,and so peaceful. I just stood there, taking it all in, trying to come to terms with what was about to happen. It made me feel very calm about the next day; I was ready to meet my baby.

I had Jason take some photos out on the patio. Then we went inside and shared a large slice of Taramiscu.

After hanging out with Angel for a bit, we went to bed. I set the alarm for 5:00 AM. Of course, I didn't get much sleep -- neither of us did. It was a restless, anxious sleep. Everytime I woke up I looked at the clock... counting down the hours.

The alarm didn't go off. It didn't need to; I was awake long before. I got up and turned it off, woke Jason up, and we finished packing some last minute items and got dressed. It was still dark outside... it felt surreal. I felt like I did on the first day of school as a child -- nervous about the unknown; the start of something new. I
was surprised at how hungry I was considering how nervous and anxious I felt. I was allowed "clear fluids" before we left, so I chugged some water.

Hannah happened to wake up right before we left, so I got her out of bed. I looked at her thinking this was the last time I would see her as my baby. We took her out to Angel, who was asleep in the living room, and kissed her goodbye. Then we were on our way.

The hospital doors were closed this early in the morning, so we went into the ER entrance, and made our way through the maze until we reached labor & delivery. We were brought back into a little room, and I was told to put on the gown and get into bed. I was picturing staying in one of the labor & delivery rooms while
waiting for c-section, but I guess not. The bed wasn't very comfortable, there were no windows and the room tiny, but it did have a TV at least.

I went into the bathroom and changed, then the nurse strapped me to the monitor and inserted the IV. She was really sweet and helped calm our nerves a bit. Jason and I chatted and watched some TV.

A medical student came in and asked a million questions, I got some blood taken, was shaved, a resident came in to introduce herself, and I met the anesthesiologist. I was given the nasty little drink to keep me from vomiting. I have always heard it was disgusting, but I finally got to experience it for myself. To me it tasted like really concentrated lemon juice.

Dr. Miller came in, and she gave us the rundown on what would happen. She also brought up lowering the drape -- something I really wanted to do -- and that they actually found a mirror they would try to position so I could see better. I was pleasantly surprised when she brought it up herself. I was worried that, for some
reason, they would forget and I would miss my baby being born.

At about 7:30, Jason was asked to suit up, and I knew it was really close. I was actually getting pretty nervous now.

One last belly shot. Exactly 39 weeks and HUGE!

Finally, at about 7:45, the nurse came back with the anesthesiologist to bring me back to the OR. Oh my god... here we go. Jason followed us around the corner until we reached the OR doors, and then they told him he needed to wait there for about 10 to 15 minutes. We said our goodbyes, and I went in.

The OR was bright and very cold. I don't remember the OR being that cold when I had the c-section with Mason, but this time I was fully aware of what was going on. With my first c-section, I was already so tired and out of it from labor, that it seemed like a dream.

I sat up on the table, which looked so tiny than what I had imagined. Everyone in the OR introduced themselves. The same wonderful nurse from earlier had me sitting facing her, and she held my hands and talked to me about baby names and my children as I was prepped for the spinal. I was feeling a little afraid here... it was really odd to be getting prepped for surgery while 100% aware and "with it". She saw I was shaking and asked me if I was cold, and I told her I was, but it was also due to nerves. They draped me with a warm blanket, and it was heavenly.

I have heard lots of different experiences with spinals -- some say they don't hurt at all, they hurt a lot, it felt like a bee sting... well, I thought it hurt. I felt it puncture the skin, and go in to where there was no resistance. It did sting, but much more than a bee sting. Then a very warm feeling radiating from my back, down to my
legs. They helped me lay down on the table. They did not strap down my arms this time, which was really nice.

At this point, they showed me the mirror, which was one of those mirrors on wheels that they had in labor & delivery rooms. They had me help them position it by having me tell them which way to turn it.

I remember the anesthesiologist telling me that July 14th was Bastille Day, which is Independance Day for France.. She said it was a good day to be born, and showed me a picture on her phone of fireworks above the Ifle Tower.

Finally I was drapped, and Jason was led into the OR, and sat by my left side. We held hands and talked a bit, trying to calm our nerves.

Dr. Miller explained to everyone in the OR that I wanted to have the drape lowered, and it was a "Natural Cesarean" of sorts. Again, I was really glad she brought it up. It made me feel like she knew how important it was to me.

Next thing I know, there is tugging. It's begun.

"This is your last chance," I told Jason, "Boy or girl?"

He laughed,"I don't know".

I told him we'd find out in just a few minutes.

Before we knew it, Dr. Miller said they had reached the uterus, and instructed everyone they were going to lower the drape, and have the mirror positioned. They dropped the drape on one side, at my left, and told me to look at the mirror and tell them if I could see anything. I did. I saw my incision open, ready to accomodate my baby. I wasn't freaked out a bit. It was awesome to see, actually. There wasn't much blood either. It was one sight I will never forget .

The other side of the drape was lowered, and Dr. Miller and a resident were standing right there. "Oh, hi". I joked.

Dr. Miller joked back,"If you reach over the drape and grab the baby I'm going to have to cut your fingers off!" The atmosphere in the OR was obviously light. That was a huge reason as to why I got along with Dr. Miller so well, we had the same sense of humor.

My doctor started to pull the baby out. At this point, I couldn't see anything, my belly was still in the way. But Jason said in complete awe,"I see a baby's head!"

Dr. Miller stopped and asked me,"Do you see anything yet?".

"No", I told her, "my belly is still in the way". I think the anesthesiologist helped hold up my head a little at that point. My doctor continued to pull the baby out slowly.

Then I saw it.

My huge, beautiful baby emerged from my belly, and started to cry almost instantly. I saw that round squinty face looking right at me. It is the most amazing thing that I have ever witnessed. I just remember saying, "Oh my god!" And started to cry, holding Jason's hand tight.

I still did not see the sex at that point, but heard Dr. Miller exclaim,"Oh my god! He's HUGE!" Then Jason said, sounding choked up, "It's a boy".

I said, "It is?!? I knew it!" And started to cry harder.

Jason leaned over, kissed me on the cheek through his mask, and said,"I love you".

"It's our Ethan", I told him.

They brought Ethan to the warmer to weigh, measure and swaddle him. Jason went over to take a few pictures. Ethan was still crying loudly. Then I head someone shout, "10 lbs 2 oz!" We were all shocked. We expected a large baby, but no one expected a 10 lb baby! I was told he was 21.5", definitely my largest. His
apgars were 9 and 9.

They handled Ethan over to Jason, and he held him by my face while they stitched me up. I kissed his face and breathed in his smell. I told him how much I loved him.

My favorite picture. Snuggling with Ethan minutes after birth; Pure bliss.

After about 15 minutes, they had Jason go with Ethan to the nursery to check on his breathing, which was a little rapid. They finished up the surgery and then I was brought to recovery. Jason came back and relayed to me that his blood sugars were a little low, and his breathing rapid. They were going to bring him in recovery
for me to breastfeed as soon as possible, and then test his sugars again.

After what felt like an eternity, they brought him to me and told me his respiratory rate was better. I breastfed him in recovery, and when he was done, they took him back to the nursery to check his sugars again. In the meantime, they wheeled me to my room. I saw Angel with Mason and Hannah waiting outside the door.
What a beautiful sight to see. Mason and Hannah ran to me, but looked a little freaked out by seeing me in a bed with wires on me. I gave them both hugs and kisses.

Cathy, the midwife that was supposed to be there for the birth, was also waiting there and told me she was sorry she couldn't make it. She and a few other nurses were talking about how big Ethan was and one nurse called him the biggest baby of the day -- or probably the whole week! They were telling me how great and alert I looked after just having had a c-section. And, other than being a little tired, I did feel great. I felt like I was up for anything.

The nurses helped me into bed, and the rest of my family showed up. We waited for about 20 minutes, and Jason wheeled Ethan into the room. Apparently his blood sugars were okay now. Ethan was passed around the room, and I was so proud to show him off.

The new big bro and big sis!

With Auntie Angel

Ethan meeting his grandpa

After a while, things died down and family went home. I kissed Mason and Hannah goodbye, and they left to go home with Angel. Then it was just me, Jason and Ethan. We settled in the room and enjoyed the time to get to know our new son.

Recovery was fantastic. I was in shock at how great I felt on the first day. Later that evening, the catheter was taken out and I was up and walking to the bathroom unassisted. I had little pain. Ethan was nursing well too, something that I was worried about after the experience with Hannah.

***

I will never forget these moments. Ever. They were beyond perfect. At last a very beautiful, calm and positive birth experience. I felt fully supported, I felt my son and I were in good hands. My husband and I were respected, and the birth truly was a celebration. The birth wasn't scary or full of trauma or a life threatening emergency. It was everything I had ever dreamed of -- and it happened in an operating room. Four years ago after the cesarean birth of my son Mason, I would never have believed that it was possible. But now I realize how ignorant I was.

I am proud of my cesarean. I loved it. I believe it got my son here safe, sound and alive. After Hannah's birth, my obsession with the "perfect" birth experience faded away completely. I went into this birth wanting a healthy baby, and I got one -- the awesome birth experience I happened to get was just the icing on the cake. I learned when it comes to birth, you can throw your expectations out the window, because it can be one hell of a ride.

I hope this birth story can help women out there who are afraid to have a cesarean, or worry it will be "less than" a vaginal birth, or they will feel like less of a mother. I also hope that it shows those who believe a cesarean isn't really a birth (and I was once one of them...), or not a positive experience, or a joyful one, or amazing, that they are just wrong. Mine was all of these, and more.

My Ethan

Here he is!

2011-07-17T18:09:00.001-04:00

Ethan James... just a few hours old

Two days old

Going home! Mason was so happy to be able to bring his little brother home!

We just got home today. It's been tiring and yes, a little stressful, but honestly, not too bad. So far, I have to agree with those that say going from 2-3 was easier than going from 1-2.

I will post my birth story and a lot more photos soon. I need to go - someone needs to eat!

It's a boy!!!

2011-07-16T13:42:00.000-04:00

I knew it was a boy!

Ethan James was born on July 14th at 8:30 AM. He was much bigger than we all anticipated: a whopping 10 lbs 2 oz and 21.5" long! Needless to say it solidified my choice to go with a c-section, that's for sure!

He has dark hair, just like Hannah did. He is a very calm and content baby, I am head over heels for him. Mason loves his baby brother, all he wants to do is come to the hospital to visit him, hold him and kiss him. It's adorable. Hannah... not so much. She seems pretty overwhelmed with everything right now. Mason was just like this when Hannah was born. Of course I feel guilty, but I know she will be alright.

The c-section went fantastic. I saw Ethan being born... it was amazing and I will never forget it. My doctor and the staff were awesome. I couldn't have asked for a better experience. It was by far my most peaceful and positive birth experience.

Recovery has been a peice of cake this time around. I can't believe how easy it has been. I feel great!

I am still at the hospital, should be leaving tomorrow though. I will post pictures and the entire birth story as soon as I am able. Unfortunately I am using my phone to write this post, and I don't have the option to post a photo of him, but I will soon!

Tomorrow

2011-07-12T22:33:00.001-04:00

Tomorrow is the last day I will be pregnant. Ever.

Tomorrow is the last day as a mother of 2.

Tomorrow is the last day as a family of 4.

Tomorrow is the last day that I go on without knowing who this little being is inside of me.

Tomorrow is coming faster than I had ever imagined it would.

I can't believe it. I cannot believe tomorrow is the last day before the birth. Am I dreaming? I am so excited, so anxious, a little scared... so many things I am feeling all at once. I am trying my best to STOP, take deep breaths and try to enjoy the moment; Trying to realize that this pregnancy is nearly done and baby will be here in less than 48 hours.

My sister, Angel, is coming over tomorrow. She is joining us for a dinner out. A celebration of sorts - my "last meal". We will probably go with the Olive Garden. I originally was thinking about going to my favorite mexican spot downtown, but realized lots of beans and cheese right before abdominal surgery is probably not a good idea.

I am not really worried about the c-section - not at this point anyway. I am actually relieved that I get to bypass the unknown of going into labor and what will happen during it. I am beyond excited about getting to see my baby being born. I cannot wait for that moment. I just cannot wait.

This past week I have been taking it easy. Just staying home with the kids, and enjoying them. We've been living in the pool, eating lots of dinners outside on the patio, letting Mason stay up late to watch his favorite show, and trying to spend more time with Jason. I've been enjoying our family as it is now. It's the calm before the storm.

Tomorrow - my buffer from immense change and joy and the unknown... can't come fast enough.

38 weeks and update on c-section birth plan

2011-07-08T13:12:00.001-04:00

38 week belly

My view.

I haven't posted a pic of the kids lately, so I thought I'd throw this in there. This is what we have been doing everyday for the last few weeks. :)

***

I had my last prenatal appointment today... probably my last ever. That's a weird feeling - both liberating and a little sad.

My awesome doctor told me she spoke to everyone and they all had no problem with lowering the drape as the baby is born. It's a go! I am very relieved and happy about it. I cannot wait to see my baby being born, and to actually see if it's a boy or girl for myself. I can't film it or take photos, so at least I get to see it first hand... the best way in my opinion. She also told me they had a mirror they could try and rig up. I think it's awesome they are working with me. I honestly didn't expect it, and thought I'd be putting up more of a fight.

According to her, it'll be the first time this will be done at this hospital, and I am "forging the way". Maybe this will start to become the norm there in a few years. Who knows. It would be nice to make cesarean birth more mother/baby friendly. It's a surgery, yes - but is also a birth; a once in a lifetime event. Commonplace and routine for the obstetrician and many others involved, but absolutely not for the family.

So, there are just 6 more days to go.

Six more days!?!

This is the third time around for me, and it still does not feel real. Maybe it being a surprise pregnancy has something to do with it, or maybe because we didn't find out the sex. I don't know. It just feels like a dream. I have washed all the gender neutral clothing left over from Mason and Hannah, I have packed the hospital bag, set up the bassinet, bought a new travel system and installed the car seat... Everything is ready. Still feels like a dream though.

Now we sit and twiddle our thumbs.

37 weeks(!?!)

2011-07-02T21:17:00.000-04:00

37 weeks... full term... c-section in 12 days... and still in denial that there is a little human being in there ready to join our family.

36 week appointment

2011-06-24T12:26:00.001-04:00

I had another prenatal appointment with my OB today. She told me she thought it over and has no problem with the drape being lowered, she just has to talk with the anesthesiologist about it since they run the show in the OR. I have my fingers crossed that this will be okay! I would love to see my baby being born.

I also gave her a copy of my birth plan, which she said was no problem. She did the good 'ole GBS test, and for the heck of it checked my cervix. Just as I expected: cervix closed, baby high. No biggie; it's a c-section anyway. She palpitated my belly, and guessed baby is around 7.5 lbs right now -- which sounds right to me. This belly feels incredibly heavy. She's guessing that at 39 weeks, baby will be around 9 lbs, if not over 9. And again, I agree.

I can't believe I am pregnant again. I am 36 weeks, but I still cannot believe it. Just 20 more days to go... in 20 days we will be adding a fifth and final person to our family. I wonder what they will be like? Heck, I wonder if it's a boy or a girl. Just... amazing.

36 weeks -- 21 more days to go!

2011-06-23T17:13:00.000-04:00

This belly feels so heavy. I am so tired. I am telling myself just 3 more weeks.... just 3 more weeks.

Oh, and those 2 adorable little blurs behind me are Mason and Hannah dancing. :)

35 weeks

2011-06-17T22:12:00.000-04:00

34 weeks

2011-06-10T21:51:00.000-04:00

I need to stop growing. Seriously.

33 weeks

2011-06-04T20:07:00.000-04:00

OBGYN consultation

2011-06-03T20:56:00.000-04:00

This morning I met with the OB who will be doing the c-section. I loved her. We clicked right away. She was so unlike any other doctor I've seen - she took the time to talk with me and answer all of my questions. There was no rush at all. I am glad she will be with us on birth day!

I told her I was working on a birth plan, and she asked me what I wanted. I told her I wanted the baby with me in the OR, and she said that was perfectly fine unless the baby was starting to get too cold. She said they do not have a mirror equipped in the OR, but she would look into lowering the drape during birth. She had never done it before, so she she wanted to research it first and get back to me. I would love the drape to be lowered - and she knows this - but if it cannot be done, I will be okay with it. As long as I can see my baby right after they pull him or her out (during my c-section with Mason, I asked the doctors if they could hold him over the drape after he was out so I could see him, they said "No") which she said they will do. I also told her Jason and I want to announce the sex ourselves.

We finally have a time for the c-section: 11 AM on July 14th. It feels really strange and final to have the actual time I should be entering the OR. T-minus 6 weeks left.

32 weeks

2011-05-28T20:43:00.000-04:00

31 weeks

2011-05-21T21:36:00.000-04:00

31 weeks and feeling pretty good. Sure, I am tired and hungry and in pain at times, but I feel I could last these remaining 8 weeks and actually enjoy them to the fullest. Maybe it has something to do with actually knowing when I will give birth.

I had a prenatal appointment yesterday, and set up the consult with the OBGYN who will be doing the surgery. I have heard nothing but great things about her, and can't wait to meet her. I plan on talking to her about my birth plan too, and I am a little nervous about it. I really hope they can work with me on a few things (like lowering the drape and/or providing a mirror). I guess we will find out in 2 weeks.

I am still thinking this baby is a boy. The midwife I saw at my last appointment told me she thinks it's a boy too -- especially because my fluid levels are on the higher range of normal. Supposedly boys make more fluid than girls do. I guess we will find out in 8 weeks!

30 weeks

2011-05-17T21:41:00.000-04:00

C-section scheduled!

2011-05-16T12:27:00.007-04:00

After waking up this morning to barely 5 hours of sleep, a splitting headache, a sore throat, equally sick and cranky children, and a perfectly timed smashing of my finger in the sliding glass door -- and all before coffee I might add -- I was setting myself up for a horrible day. I was hoping I would get a call from the OBGYN's scheduling office. I really wanted to hear some good news.

Not long after my much enjoyed cup of coffee, I got the call. As of now, I still don't know the actual time of the c-section, but I do know the definite date is July 14th! I will be exactly 39 weeks. I can't express how excited and relieved I am. Ever since getting this call I have been in a much better mood, and cannot contain my excitement!

I also know who the OB doing the surgery will be, and the woman I spoke to on the phone is supposed to call me back soon (hopefully today) with the exact time of the c-section and an appointment date to meet with my OB. I really hope she likes my birth plan. I have been working on it in the last few days, and will post it here when it's finished.

I have only about 8 more weeks to go!

More tests and final decision on mode of birth

2011-05-13T21:12:00.002-04:00

I've been wanting to update for a few days now, but Blogger was having some issues.

I was getting anxious about the 2 hour glucose test results, so I called the birth center. I was told that they had just received my test results that day, and were going to look them over and call me back. When they called me back, I was told by one of the woman that worked in the office that I passed the 2 hour test, but I would need to take the 1 hour test over again because the lab I went to did the test "the old way".

What?!?

I told her I wanted one of the midwives to call me back, because I wanted to discuss this with somebody. I soon received a call from one of the midwives, and she apologized repeatedly, and told me that the lab tech who drew my blood only did so at the end of the test. He was supposed to draw it once when I got there (since I had fasted), drink the nasty stuff, then draw my blood ever hour after that. She told me that given my history, they really need to see all 3 numbers, even if I passed at the 2 hour mark.

Okay. Whatever. I wasn't going to fight. I will take another damn test. At least it will only be another 1 hour -- but this time I have to do the 1 hr after a fast (I loathe fasting... especially while pregnant). So I will do this test Monday and just get it over with.

While on the phone with her I told her I made my final decision on mode of birth. We are going with a scheduled c-section. She told me they of course support my decision 100%, and we should be able to schedule it soon, probably at my appointment next Friday. Just telling her this felt like such a huge relief and a weight lifted off of my shoulders.

A c-section feels so right this time. I am very excited and looking forward to it, so is my family. Since I have always lived so far from everyone else, nobody was ever able to make it to my other births besides my sister Angel, but this time they will all be there (well, the ones I talk to anyway... interesting family dynamics to say the least). We are all really looking forward to it, it's almost like planning a big party -- baby's real first birthday party. It'll also be nice to have Angel know when to come over our house and be with the kids while Jason and I are at the hospital. Honestly, it's nice to be able to know when I will give birth this time around, and not some crazy rush at the last minute. This pregnancy has been stressful enough.

I hope I do get my c-section date next Friday. I cannot wait! Then starts the countdown!

***

A few days ago I went shopping for coming home outfits. It was so strange to see these clothes and realize one set will be used. It made it seem much more real.

Jason found these really cute receiving blankets too. :)

Ultrasound update

2011-05-10T15:14:00.000-04:00

We had the ultrasound this morning, and baby looks perfect! Fluid levels are normal too. I am so relieved. Baby is looking big though, but we already figured this was the case. Even though ultrasound isn't exactly accurate, baby is measuring 4lbs and some change, which is on the big side for this gestational age. I am not too worried though. I am expected a 9+ lb baby anyway. Besides, it will probably be a c-section.

The ultrasound tech tried to get us a good 3-D image, but the baby was being stubborn, so instead we have some really cute profile pics. Baby has the same profile Mason did.

Phew. Now to get these glucose test results and try to enjoy the rest of this pregnancy!

I will leave you with these:

2 hour glucose test: check

2011-05-09T18:38:00.002-04:00

I had my 2 hour glucose test this morning, and it really wasn't that bad. I was starving when I woke up, and practically cried while making the kids breakfast (pancakes of all things!), but I stuck with the fasting - even though I was tempted to take a bite of pancake.

I really don't know if I will pass. I guess statistically I will pass, but this pregnancy has been such a surprise with unexpected twists and turns, I wouldn't be fully surprised if I failed. At least the damn test is done. While at the lab I asked if they knew when the birth center would get the results, and they said maybe a day or two. I really hope so. I just want to know either way. If I fail, well, at least I will know. I will just go on the wonderful GD diet and be done with it.

Tomorrow is the ultrasound. I am not really nervous or worried anymore. It is what it is. I am just so excited now! I cannot wait to see my baby and how fat and cute they have gotten. This ultrasound will be 3-D, and I haven't seen this baby in 3-D yet. I will stay strong with not finding out the gender though. I really want to wait.

One more thing: As every day passes, I am leaning more and more towards a cesarean birth, and I am okay with it. More than okay, actually. I was speaking with the midwife yesterday, and I told her how important it was that if we do have a cesarean, I get the baby right away, as well as have the drape lowered while they are pulling out the baby. I never got to actually see any of my babies being born--even with my homebirth--and I really want that. She told me that she thinks that wouldn't be a problem. I'd have to talk with the OB and head nurse of course (which I fully intended on doing anyway), but she felt optimistic that it would be ok. I would love, love that.

Anyway, hopefully I will be back tomorrow with some good news and some really cute pictures of my little one.

29 weeks

2011-05-06T11:51:00.000-04:00

29 weeks and feeling like I am about to explode. I think my ass is catching up to my belly.

My girth from the front.

More crap

2011-05-05T21:06:00.001-04:00

I had a prenatal appointment today. I will be able to take the 2 hour glucose test intead of the 3 hour. It still sucks, but I'll take it. I have to call tomorrow to set up the appointment, so the test will most likely be next week. I am already dreading it. I will probably vomit or pass out -- or both. Fun times.

My midwife also told me she is concerned about how far ahead I am measuring, and it seems I may have excess fluid (polyhydramnios). So tomorrow I have to call the perinatologists office they work with, and set up an ultrasound with them. They will check fluid levels as well as baby's size. The plus side? At least some of the ultrasound will be 3D, so at least I will get some really nice pictures of the baby.

My midwife also told me that sometimes there is a connection with gestational diabetes and polyhydramnios. Greeeat.

I just need these next few weeks to pass. I need to find out if I pass the GD test, and the fluid and baby is fine, then I can hopefully sigh a huge sigh of relief.

I am so glad this will be our last child. I can't do this again.

Third time is not a charm

2011-05-04T12:20:00.000-04:00

With my pregnancies with Mason and Hannah, I passed the 1 hour glucose test with no problem. This time, I just had that nagging feeling. It wasn't like I knew I was going to fail, it was just that I thought about the test more than I did with the other two. I worried more.

Well, this morning I got a call from the birth center, and right away I knew why they were calling.

Yup. I failed the 1 hour test.

The cut-off is 135, and my number was 142. Just 7 stinking points. The midwife told me my number wasn't very high, obviously, but it required a 2 or 3 hour re-test. She said that I could probably get away with the 2 hour test, and I hope so, because I really do not want to sit there for fucking 3 hours.

This pregnancy has been full of stress and worry. This is just another little worry added to the mix. To top it off, we are paying out of our asses with house crap: first the septic and now a leak in the pipes so right at this moment I'm waiting for the plumber to arrive (and he's running late). There goes the "extra" money we had this month.

Needless to say I am feeling cantankerous this morning.

Birth to be

2011-04-25T13:08:00.008-04:00

The last few days I have been feeling a little down about this baby's birth; or should I say birth-to-be. Birth to be determined, birth to be who the fuck knows, birth to be hopefully not traumatic for all parties involved.

Ugh.

Hannah's 2nd birthday just passed. She is 2 (!?!) years old now. It's been two years since she's entered our lives, and this birthday was full of mixed emotions for me. Of course I was overjoyed that my beautiful little girl was turning 2, and amazed at the little person she is becoming. But at the same time I felt some sadness, and fear.

This time I remembered those scary moments during her birth more vividly than I did on her birthday last year. Maybe it's because I am pregnant now, and I am facing another birth -- with certainty. Maybe it's because everyday on facebook and various message boards and online groups I am bombarded with homebirths that went beautifully, and I ask, why couldn't that have been us? If Hannah's birth had went well, would I be planning another homebirth right now? Who knows. I guess we never will. I do know she is here, and thankfully healthy and alive. Now I just need to make sure this baby also makes it here healthy and alive, and I have to decide the best way to accomplish that.

I am seeing the midwives at the birth center - the same midwives I saw during some of the pregnany with Hannah. They are all supportive of another try at a vaginal birth, but at the hospital, which I am totally okay with. The obstetricians they work with also agree to try another vaginal birth - but we will monitor the baby's size. I will be getting an ultrasound at 34 or 36 weeks, and we will determine which route to take from there. Honestly, there are times I just want to go ahead and schedule the cesarean to avoid all of this not knowing and the stress that comes with it. I just want to enjoy my last pregnancy,and not knowing which way we are going is making that hard to do.

At my last appointment, I asked the midwife if she knew the weight range that they would feel comfortable with delievering vaginally. I told her that I hear comflicting answers; some say it probably won't happen again (and are very confident when saying so), some say once a shoulder dystocia-especially a moderate to severe one with an injury-means always a cesarean, some say size doesn't even matter - it's posistional. It just depends on who you talk to. She told me that since Hannah got stuck at 8 lbs 14 oz, and if this baby was measuring around there or higher, then they would be most comfortable with a c-section.

I was a little taken aback with her response. I had spoken with the other midwives at the same practice, and though I never asked that question directly, I was always given the impression that most likely this birth will go more smoothly, shoulder dystocia free, and only if the baby was thought to be very large (like 10+ lbs) then maybe a scheduled cesarean would be the best route. The thing is, I do think this baby will at least be as big as Hannah was - if not bigger. Mason was 8 lb 7 oz, Hannah was a girl and she was still larger than Mason at 8 lb 14 oz... so I am just guessing that since this is my third, and my other two were subsequently larger, then this one will be too. Not to mention the baby is already measuring a week ahead, and, well, I just have that feeling. You know, mommy's intuition or whatever you want to call it. I would love a baby smaller than Hannah. I know that size of the baby isn't the be all end all in regards to shoulder dystocia, but in all honesty, a large baby does make me nervous.

In the beginning on this pregnancy, the thought of a scheduled cesarean didn't bother me much. In fact, I was pretty close to just saying to hell with a vaginal birth and go for the c-section. But, after hearing the midwife tell me what they thought about the baby's size and mode of delivery, I guess the reality of it hit me. Especially when she told me the protocols at the hospital we are going to. She said they won't lower the curtain so patients can see the delivery, and baby routinely goes to the nursery - under the warmer - instead of daddy's or mommy's arms in the OR. The midwives know how important it is I get to see - and hold - my baby right after birth. I didn't get that with Mason, and I didn't even get that with Hannah during a damn homebirth, so if everything is okay with baby and me, I damn well better have that baby as soon as the umbilical cord is cut. That's my fucking baby. I told her I am going to be very anal about this. Hell, I'll be a fucking asshole. I don't care. This is my last birth, last baby, and if everyone is ok, there is NO REASON other than mindless protocol that I cannot hold my baby (or Jason if I can't for some reason). So, if it is going to be a cesarean, I want my baby brought to me in the OR. I want the closest thing to a natural cesarean as I can get.

I am so conficted. I would love another vaginal birth (probably with an epidural) to avoid another surgery, to have the baby let us know when he/she is ready to be born, to have that excitement of waiting for labor to start... but just the thought of another shoulder dystocia scares me to death. I couldn't forgive myself if the baby was injured, or worse. But I wouldn't mind another cesarean to assure no shoulder dystocia, to have a set date so I can set up child care and the rest of the family could make it for the birth, to feel like I have some sort of control in this (well, if the staff accomodates my wishes for a cesarean birth).

I have some time to think about it. Hopefully was the weeks go by, the answer will become more clear.

I can't believe she's 2

2011-04-24T20:48:00.000-04:00

Today my Hannah turns 2 years old. I still can't believe it. This year her birthday fell on Easter, so we had family over for a combined birthday party and Easter dinner. It was a great time.

Some pictures...

Weeks 24-27

2011-04-22T12:57:00.000-04:00

24 weeks

25 weeks

...and another 25 weeker

27 weeks.

I skipped week 26. I have been so busy with cleaning, house projects, and planning Hannah's birthday party and Easter dinner that we're hosting this year.

I am expecting my sister soon, so I will hopefully be back later to talk about the ever-changing birth plans.

2011-04-20T12:07:00.000-04:00

I promise I will be back later to update belly pics, my thoughts on the impending birth.

23 weeks

2011-03-28T20:33:00.002-04:00

23 weeks

At this point, this blog has become a baby blog. I don't write here like I used to... not sure why, maybe bored? Maybe nothing really exciting going on in life right now (besides my womb hijacker, of course)? Maybe just lazy (yup, probably this)? Who knows.

This pregnancy has been exhausting so far. I am older, and I have Mason and Hannah (who's turning TWO next month!!) to run after and make sure they aren't killing each other, so by the time they're in bed, I'm a zombie. I am totally soaking up these lazy hours after they go to bed though, because in a few short months it will be GONE. I will get to cuddle with my new little baby (boy or a girl? So glad we waited to find out!), and I definitely look forward to that, but at the same time I will miss the "me" time after the kids are in bed.

So, there you have it. That's my rapidly expanding 23 week belly, and my excuse as to why I don't write much here anymore.

21 & 22 weeks

2011-03-21T20:51:00.000-04:00

Here are my 21 and 22 weeks belly pics. I know, I am a horrible blogger.

21 weeks

22 weeks

Seriously, just how big is my belly going to get?

20 weeks--halfway there!

2011-03-07T10:17:00.000-05:00

19 weeks

2011-03-01T20:21:00.000-05:00

18 weeks and ultrasound!

2011-02-22T21:52:00.001-05:00

We had our anatomy scan today. Baby looked perfect! We stuck with our plan and didn't find out the sex. I am actually surprised at my whole attitude towards not finding out this time! I wasn't even tempted to find out during the ultrasound. Before we left, I actually asked the ultrasound tech if she needed to document the sex, she said no, so I told her please do not document it. So now nobody knows! It will be an amazing surprise in July! I cannot wait!

It's so exciting not knowing who is in there, kicking away. At first I was worried not finding out would make it harder to bond with this baby while he/she is still in my womb, especially since this one wasn't planned, but I am finding it to be just the opposite. It's hard to explain, but it's like I am not focusing so much on the sex of the baby, the name, etc. I am just focusing on the person. It's just an amazing feeling.

18 weeks

Our surprise baby... I am already so in love with this little person.

My friend had her baby!

2011-02-21T11:15:00.001-05:00

My friend had her baby yesterday! She was barely 38 weeks, and had her c-section (baby was breech) set for March 1st, but baby had other plans! Her water broke early yesterday morning, and she was born by c-section just a few hours later. She is beautiful and looks a lot like her daddy.

I wished they lived closer because I'd be there is a heartbeat, but they live over 2 hours away. I can't wait to meet her, hopefully with the next week or so.

Welcome to the world Natalie Rose! February 20th, 5:22 AM, 6 lbs 8 oz, 20" long.

16 and 17 weeks

2011-02-14T20:26:00.003-05:00

I've been MIA the past few weeks because my crappy Dell laptop died on me and I couldn't post pictures and blog from my phone. I finally got my new laptop in the mail (an HP, no more crappy Dell's for me), so here I am at 16 and 17 weeks:

16 weeks

17 weeks

another 17 week shot

15 weeks

2011-01-27T20:59:00.001-05:00

Yikes. I am getting pretty big. I've only gained 5 lbs so far though - and those 5 lbs are actually the 5 lbs I lost when I was sick. So, I am back at starting weight now. I guess it doesn't matter anyway. I will balloon into gargantuan proportions anyway.

I am feeling the baby move here and there, but nothing consistent, and nothing that stops me and makes me go "wow!'. I can't wait for that. Not only is feeling the baby move awesome, it's reassuring too.

Some great news - Jason recieved a huge pay raise at his job. He told them he was leaving (which he was - he had another good paying job lined up in the city) and they made him an offer. One that he couldn't refuse. We are beyond thrilled and just plain 'ole relieved. Ever since we bought this house, our 2nd car, and the big and unexpected pay cut, we have been tight. And I mean tight. We never had any extra money to do anything - we just made it every month. Some months we needed to hit up the credit cards. I am so glad he got this raise. It came just in time.

We are also looking to move next summer. Woo-hoo! We really want to move back to Greenwich. We love it there, even the kids. It would also cut Jason's commute time down to about 10 minutes, which means much more family time (right now his commute is an hour). No, you don't need to be a billionaire to live there. There are plenty of townhomes and some older homes that are reasonably priced. The public schools there are great too, that's another perk. Can't wait to say good-bye to this town, though I will miss one good friend I made while living here.

School. Well, obvioulsy I am not there yet. The pregnancy threw me off, then Jason possibly getting a job in the city, which meant no way that I could go to school as we had no sitters and couldn't afford daycare in this area for both children. Luckily, Jason was able to stay at his current job, which means this fall or winter I am good to go. Though honestly I am scared shitless to start school with 3 young children, one of them will still be nursing. *gulp* But, I can do it. I will. I must. A part of me was annoyed that I had to put off school yet again. But it is only a semester, two at the most. I have plenty of time.

Though we fell pregnant with #3 much, much sooner than we planned, I am actually glad it worked out this way. I always wanted to be done having kids at 30. I will be 30 when this one arrives. Perfect. Then I can focus on someone that's been neglected for a while. Me. Though I will still be a SAHM, I will be focusing on school again, and working towards what I want to do with my life. I am really looking forward to that.

14 weeks! 2nd Trimester!

2011-01-24T10:11:00.000-05:00

2nd Trimester! Finally! I thought it would never get here. By the way, sorry I lied about posting an actual post last week. I know I am a horrible blogger. Please forgive me.

13 weeks

2011-01-14T12:26:00.000-05:00

13 weeks!

I promise I will start to write more. I have been so lazy and sick the last few weeks, that writing seemed like such a chore. I am starting to feel better, so I guess I will start writing more soon. I have a few things to tell you - Jason getting a new job, how the business is going, we may be moving soon, my plans for school, etc etc. Maybe I will write later when the kids are in bed.

12 weeks

2011-01-06T17:41:00.001-05:00

Just 2 more weeks and it's the 2nd trimester!

11 weeks

2011-01-03T14:59:00.000-05:00

11 weeks. I know it's not as noticeable to others, but I have finally popped. I am also starting to feel better. I can eat a bit more and I haven't thrown up in about a week. Yay! I'm starting to get really excited about the baby - and even though it's been 7 weeks since I've found out, I'm still in shock. I find myself watching the ultrasound video for the thousandth time in complete awe (I will have to upload it so I can post it later). Though this baby was a HUGE shock, we are incredibly happy and delighted about this amazing surprise. I can't wait to meet him/her!

This birth

2010-12-31T11:01:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I had a prenatal appointment at the birth center. It was to be the first appointment to try and hear the heartbeat with the doppler. Since this is my 3rd pregnancy and having experienced no prior miscarriages, I automatically assumed it would be a disaster - the midwife wouldn't be able to find the heartbeat and I would need a D&C. I guess I was a little nervous.

When I got there, I did the typical pee-in-a-cup and step-on-a-scale, and then the midwife called me into her office. She told me she needed to talk to me about my chart. She explained that the obstetricians they work with (or as she called it, "run the show") looked over my history - cesarean for FTP followed by homebirth with a 4 min. shoulder dystocia - and said they would not allow me to birth at the birth center. I told her I was totally fine with that. I had no desire to birth at the birth center anyway. Hospital, please.

She also went over a diet plan with me that she wants me to follow - one that cuts back on the carbs. I admitted to being a carb addict, and I do not want to try to push out a 10 lb baby this time. I think it'll be a good lifestyle change anyway. Once I start to feel better, I plan to start working out again too, so hopefully this will be my fittest pregnancy yet.

I told her I am glad she brought this up, because the birth has been on my mind a lot. We fell pregnant much sooner than planned, so I just wasn't ready to deal with the all the emotions involved in planning another birth. Jason feels the same way. He still has a hard time talking about Hannah's birth, and he is nervous about this one.

This time around, the last time around, I am not putting so much stock in hoping for a "perfect" birth. I just don't care this time. I just care for a healthy mom and baby. The basics. I just want this birth to not be so traumatic for all involved. That's it. I am not worried about ending in a cesarean either. In fact, I considered scheduling a cesarean this time. After some thought and discussion with Jason, I decided against it, but if there was an issue I would schedule one in a heartbeat. I can't even tell you have relieved I am that I don't have all this pressure on me to have this "perfect" and "empowering" birth this time. It feels amazing. I am actually looking forward to going to the hospital this time. I am relieved to know that there will be pain medication readily available, as well as a NICU, an OR, and all other emergency services that hospitals provide.

After this discussion with the midwife, we went back into the examination room. I laid down on the exam bed, and she took out the doppler. She was searching for the heartbeat for what seemed like forever. I was starting to get nervous. I remember thinking this is how all those horrible stories begin.

She took me into the ultrasound room, and there was my baby. Dancing around, kicking its' little legs, and that beautiful heart beating away. I was just glad to see the baby was okay. Talk about breathing a huge sigh of relief. She told me that I have an anterior placenta and retroflexed uterus, which explains why we couldn't get the fetal heartbeat. I never had an anterior placenta before, so I am curious to see how much it will affect feeling fetal movement. I took a little video of the ultrasound with my phone. I showed Jason when he got home from work. I love it. I have already watched it about a dozen times.

Jason and I have decided to not find out the sex with this baby. I know we said the same when I was pregnant with Hannah, but this time I think we're really going to do it. We already have one of each, have everything for both sexes, we have no preference, and this is our last child. I always wanted to know what it would be like to find out the sex at birth, and this will be my last chance. I think it will make waiting for birth even more exciting.

Phew. That took a lot of energy to write. This pregnancy has been tough so far - so much more tiring than the other two. I am 11 weeks, so hopefully this unrelenting nausea and fatigue will let up soon. And then it will be goodbye forever, horrid 1st trimester. Good riddance.

10 weeks

2010-12-25T21:40:00.000-05:00

Boy or Girl?

2010-12-17T11:23:00.000-05:00

What do you think? Be sure to vote in my poll to the right!

9 weeks

2010-12-17T11:16:00.000-05:00

Just 3 more weeks and I can finally kiss the 1st trimester goodbye!

8 weeks

2010-12-14T16:14:00.000-05:00

1st Trimester = Hell

2010-12-08T12:59:00.000-05:00

When I was pregnant with Hannah, I knew I wasn't done having kids. Even with my head stuck in the toilet almost 24/7, I still knew it would pass and I would do it again in the future.

This time, I am done. This will be our last child, and I feel so relieved and happy knowing this.

Months after Hannah was born, I still had that nagging baby bug feeling. Everyone around me was pregnant or just having their babies, and it made me realize I wanted at least one more. Jason could have went either way, but mostly towards the "I'm done" end of the spectrum. A part of me worried that I'd be one of those that never felt done. That I'd always have that urge to have tons of kids, like my mother (who had 8, and still wanted more).

But no. I am DONE. I wish I could shout it from the rooftops. It's like a revelation. My body can't do this anymore. My already fragile mental state from years of sleep deprivation cannot do this anymore. It makes me happy to know this will be that last time I ever go through horrid morning sickness ever again.

I hate feeling nauseous. I am such a baby when it comes to nausea. I hate throwing up. Give me a headache or any other bodily ache and pain any day over nausea. With pain I can take a drug and it's gone. But not with this nausea.

I am taking vitamin B6 three times a day and half a Unisom at night. At first I wondered if it was doing anything, but then, after taking a nap during the day and skipping a dose of B6, I woke up feeling more nauseous than ever and I couldn't keep anything down for the rest of the day. So, I think I will stick to the B6 and Unisom for a while.

I feel like utter crap. I can't cook, clean, take care of the kids properly. It's really bringing me down and making me depressed. I am so sick (pun intended) of feeling nauseous and constantly hungry at the same time. This is torture. My midwife offered to write me a script for Zofran, since at my appointment last week it was noted I lost 5 lbs. I refused, but I don't know... it's starting to sound tempting. I can't take this HELL anymore.

It is so much harder taking care of 2 little kids when I feel like shit. It's just so everwhelming. I used to love being pregnant, but it seems after the 1st one, they all go downhill after that. I know (at least I hope) I will start to enjoy it after this fucking awful 1st trimester ends.

Some belly pics

2010-12-06T12:29:00.000-05:00

Again I started taking belly pics from 4 weeks, and plan to do so every week. Here they are so far, weeks 4 - 7.

4 weeks (and there's Hannah) :)

5 weeks

6 weeks

7 weeks

I'm back, and I have some big news!

2010-12-02T12:02:00.001-05:00

Um, yeah. That.

I am 7 weeks pregnant today. I can't even tell you how shocked I was when I got the BFP. I mean, Jason and I were TTC Hannah a full year, timing intercourse on all the right days. This time I was charting to avoid. I ovulated 2 days earlier than usual, and even then we DTD at least 4-5 days before ovulation! I mean, what are the odds on that happening?

Well, it happened.

I took the test at 11DPO. No idea why, didn't feel pregnant, and c'mon, who gets pregnant when you have sex 4 or 5 days before ovulation? People on the internet, but not me. But, the second blue line came up! At first I thought the test was a +/- test, and grabbed the box to be sure. But no -- it was indeed a 2 line test. I was pregnant!?!

My hands were shaking. I was excited... but wait - I'm not ready yet! School, our business, moving, money -- and three kids.

I was in denial. It had to be an evap. After Hannah was up from her nap, I lugged us all to Target and picked up a digital test. And that was positive too.

I am seeing the midwives at the birth center again. I am seeing one of the new midwives there, and I love her. They are allowing me the option to birth at the actual birth center this time, since I already had a VBAC. I am undecided at this point if I will try the birth center or just go to the hospital.

I just had an ultrasound today. Baby is measuring right on target, we saw the heartbeat too... and I am IN LOVE! I am getting really excited now, and so is Jason. We all went to the ultrasound this morning, and when the midwife pointed to that beautiful little heart beating, Jason took my hand. Sweet.

Here is our little bugger at 7 weeks

So, there you have it. The third and final installment of our family is due July 21st, 20011. And I cannot wait!

Firsts UPDATE

2010-10-21T13:14:00.003-04:00

I think I posted before that my best friend is pregnant with her first child, due March 8th (and how much it has made my baby fever skyrocket). She is getting her anatomy scan today and finding out the sex. I am so excited! I am dying to know what she is having. I think it's a boy, so does she. She had the ultrasound earlier this morning, so hopefully she will give me a call soon before I completely go crazy!

It is really something having someone close to you expecting a child. None of my sister's have had a child in the last 10 years (and back then I was 20 and living across country). None of my other close high school friends have any children yet. It dawned on me today that my friend's pregnancy is the first that I have experienced from someone very close to me, and it is really amazing. We are childhood friends -- since kidnergarten -- and it is really awesome to see her start her family. It will be amazing to see my kids and her baby together for the first time. It is also bringing back those warm and fuzzy feelings about expecting my 1st. There is nothing like your first pregnancy, and to see her and her husband so full of excitement and anticipation is just awesome.

Hopefully I will hear from her soon so I can post the news!

***

I just talked to my friend, and she is having a GIRL! I am so happy for her! We live a few hours away from each other and her work schedule is wonky, so we don't get to hang out very often, but next month we are planning to go out for dinner and I cannot wait to see her (and her belly)!

Fall in New England

2010-10-18T22:19:00.001-04:00

I love living in New England. I love the seasons, and Fall is my favorite, by far. These photos were taken this past weekend as we took a road trip up through Litchfield County and Massachusetts to check out the awesome Fall foliage.

The way we were

2010-10-13T13:24:00.005-04:00

The other night, after the kids were in bed and the house was (finally) quiet, I grabbed a home video I hadn't watched in a few years, sat down on the sofa with a glass of wine, and for a little while was taken back to some really good times.

In the video there is Jason and I, still screwing around with the camera as we had just purchased it. There's me showing off my pregnant belly full of my now almost 4 year old, Mason. Then there's the last part of the tape, which was difficult to watch, but made me happy all the same.

It was November 2006, and Jason, my sister and I were visiting my parents like we did almost every weekend. We were sitting around the kitchen table, eating pizza, just talking and having a great time. My mother was resting on her chair in the living room. She was home. She wasn't sick and in the nursing home, but home with her family. The way it should be.

The thing is, at the time, we didn't know Jason was filming us. There is about 15 minutes of tape, of us, being... us. The way things used to be, back when everything was perfect, but at the time had no idea. At first, when I found out, I asked him why he wasted 15 minutes of tape on that. And he said, "Believe me, there will be a day when you are happy I got that on film".

And he was right.

I am so glad to have those 15 minutes of film. I'm glad I have those last, happy few months of my parents together in their home that they shared for nearly 50 years. It's like eavesdropping on a snippet of the past; of the way we were, and never will be again. I will cherish it forever.

Open slate

2010-10-08T12:45:00.003-04:00

I can't tell you how excited I am about starting school in January. I can't wait to go back and start working towards something -- start doing something for me. I know it won't be easy with two young children, but I know it can be done and it will be done. If our business doesn't take off, I will have a career to go to when the kids are in school instead of yet another menial office assistant job (that I can't stand doing, anyway). And even if the business does take off, I still would like to have my thing, ya know? I would love to help Jason build up the business he envisions, but I also want to do something I love.

Which brings me to the question; what do I want to do?

I have always been interested in the human body. I loved to watch surgeries performed on The Discover Channel when I was a little girl. I even thought about becoming a coroner (totally changed my mind on that one). When I started college 10 years ago, I was majoring in biology -- I wanted to go to medical school. Needless to say, after the many moves Jason and I made, taking time to have and start raising kids, it has been 10 years and I still don't have my associates degree! That's why when I do finally get it (hopefully in a year if most of my credits transfer) I will be over the moon.

Once I start school, I want to be able to join a job shadowing program at the local hospital. I think being able to shadow a nurse or a midwife all day will help me at least get a better idea if I would like to go in that direction.

Here is what I am thinking about pursuing so far:

-Labor & delivery nurse
-Certified Nurse Midwife (CNM)
-Doctor (preferably an OB/GYN -- but they say you never know until you start doing your rotations. Some fall in love with a totally different specialty)
-Physicians Assistant (PA) (again, probably in OB/GYN)

I know the last two seem like really huge goals. It almost sounds silly to say, "I am 30, and I want to be a doctor". But, hey, you only live once, and now I am settled down enough to where I am finally ready to buckle down and really dive into something I love. Besides, there is a boom of older "non-traditional" medical school students, many in their 30's and 40's. I found a quote on one site, and it pretty much sums it up, "I am going to be 45 regardless, so I can either be 45 and be a doctor, or I can be 45 and be something else."

Who knows at this point. The one thing I do know is I want to start working towards something. I want to do something. And I am ready to start now.

A day at the orchard

2010-10-02T20:29:00.001-04:00

Today was a really great day. We took the kids to Blue Jay Orchards in Bethel. We all had a blast. We picked pumpkins and lots of apples, took lots of great pictures, ate apple cider donuts and drank fresh apple cider. The kids loved it -- especially Mason. He wasn't really into it last year, and Hannah was just 6 months old, but this year they really enjoyed themselves. It was cool to see our children act like, well, children. They are both finally out of the baby stage, and it's really awesome to see their personalities and preferences, and of course, seeing them have so much stinking fun.

I have always loved this time of year. I love everything; the weather, the smell, wearing jackets, watching the leaves turn amazing colors, picking pumpkins and then Halloween, followed by the holidays, of course. Having kids has made this time of year exciting all over again. Kids bring back that child-like wonder, a newness, an excitement; seeing everything again through their eyes. It's amazing.

mothering.com, you suck

2010-10-01T21:32:00.003-04:00

On mothering.com, I recently posted a thread about negative birth experiences at home. Many women responded with how they felt betrayed by the natural birth and homebirth community after they told their stories--how they were swept under the rug. One woman told us her birth story was deleted! Why? Simply because she told her story, which happened to be a homebirth turned hospital transfer after a staph infection. But if it was a staph infection from the hospital, it would be posted all over the place on mothering.cult, and how outraged all would be! Of course, that thread was "reviewed" and some posts deleted. I guess they pick and choose what they want on display on their boards--I guess anything that doesn't keep the "trust birth" mentality alive and well is deleted.

I just found out they are "reviewing" another thread I started, about electing cesareans, particulary after a traumatic vaginal birth (yes, they do exist--but apparently not in mothering.cult). There was no vulgarity, no one attacking anyone else, just a thread where women shared their stories as to why they had their cesareans, full of nothing but SUPPORT.

Oh, wait. I guess mothering.cult is only about support if you have an unmedicated hospital birth, homebirth, or better yet, an unassisted birth.

I recieved a few private messages about how they don't understand why mothering.cult won't open a cesarean birthing support board, and that if you just mention the word "cesarean", it's like the moderator fairies close in on you (especially the words "elective cesarean"-- Holy shit -- then you've really done it). These women that contacted me want a cesarean support board -- they want support too, just like the unassisted birthing mother does. But, still, Mothering.cult refuses to put up a cesarean mothers board in their forum. I guess they feel a cesarean isn't "natural" enough, or birth goddess-y enough.

How supportive. Go Women. Go, you standing-up-for-women's-rights "Feminists", you.

What do they support, exactly? "Natural Family Living"? What is that, exactly? If a cesarean isn't a "natural" outcome of a difficult labor, what is? A dead baby? Is that "natural" enough? Is it "natural" for a woman to be pushed into another vaginal delivery after a previous traumatic experience, or should she be able to choose an elective cesarean? Because, as we all know, healthy mothers matter too; This means mentally, as well as physically.

I don't even know why I am still registered at mothering.cult, but I am. I am not particulary "crunchy". Actually, I don't know what I would be considered, because I don't care. I do what I like and what I feel is right for me and my family. I don't care what anyone would classify it as.

I prefer a place where no one is judged so harshy, simply because the birth of their child turned out differently than expected, or because they make different choices than you do. I am not sure where that place is, but for now, I guess I will just stick to ivillage.

Plans and change

2010-09-12T21:03:00.004-04:00

Ahhhh, September. It's almost Fall, which is by far my favorite season (I also turn 30 years old on the 25th. Holy shit). There is something about this time of year that makes me feel awake and alive. Summers here are usually hot and humid (especially this summer thanks to countless heat waves and oppressive humidity), and it just makes me feel in a fog, like I am half asleep. But Fall is crisp and cool, and I just feel... awesome. Pretty soon it will be time for apple picking, cider, hay rides and Halloween... I love it all. And I can't wait to share it with my children.

We had a really great day today. The weather was beautiful and very Fall-like. Jason and I grabbed some coffee and we took the kids for a scenic car ride around the lake so Hannah could get a much needed nap, then we headed to a really great playground in Brookfield called The Kingdom. It's a massive wooden playground, built to look like a castle. The kids had a blast, and so did we. We also went hiking on some trails there, then headed home and made lasagna for dinner. It was just a perfect day (minus the meltdown Mason had in the evening due to forgoing his nap).

Now to the homefront. So many stressful and exciting things are happening around here lately.

Jason just interviewed with a law firm in New York City that would pay him a good wage. He interviewed for 2 whole hours, and he said that he thought it went very well. We hope to hear something back sometime this week.

We are just weeks away from writing our business plan for our company. We hope to get a small business loan and really start getting the ball rolling with this. I am so excited! I have such good feelings about it, not to mention I am so proud of Jason for all he has done so far. This business (which I can't really talk a lot about for the time being) is his brainchild. He has been in this field for a while, so he knows what he is doing. This is exciting, yet very stressful. I just want to have the loan and get started with it. I am more than ready.

Speaking of jobs and money, last week I was offered a job. It sounded great. I had two different interviews there, and everyone there seemed friendly, the office was about 5 minutes from my house... it seemed perfect, until they told me how much they would pay me. After we did the math, we realized that half of my paycheck, if not more, would go directly to child care. And it just didn't seem worth it.

Then I realized that's all I could get, especially after being out of work for 4 years.

I want a career. I don't want to work menial jobs anymore. So, I just filled out my application to the local community college. I am having my credits tranferred (I am just a few semesters away from my Associates degree--depending on what classes transfer), and I am starting in January. After I get my Associates, I will transfer to Western Connecticut State University, and I am pretty sure I am going for my BSN, then the Masters program at Yale to become a CNM. I am so excited!

Jason also finally agreed to have a third and final child. I am sure most of you know how happy this has made me. We plan to start trying again no earlier than 2012. It really depends on how finances are at the time (especially if our business takes off or tanks), how school is going, etc. But it feels really good to know we will have the 3rd child I've always dreamed of. I am not anxious at all to wait a few years to TTC. Mason and Hannah are a handful, and I cannot imagine having another right now. If we get pregnant in 2012, Hannah would be at least 4 and Mason would be 6, if not older, when the 3rd was born-- I think that would be PERFECT. I want Mason and Hannah to get a little older, more independant, Hannah out of diapers and potty trained, before we add to our family. Not to mention I want my body to be in tip-top shape before I ever get pregnant again. I am enjoying how I look now but I would also like to lose a few more pounds, really get back into shape and enjoy it for a while before it's all gone again. A bigger age gap would also allow me to have time alone to bond with the baby. After I had Hannah, I had a hard time juggling a newborn and a toddler, and I NEVER want to go through that hell again. In fact, I have this vision of me snuggling my new baby at home, while Hannah and Mason are at school. Ahhh, heaven.

I feel this buzz of excitement in the air -- it's hard to explain -- but I just feel positive change is coming our way! The future is an open slate with so many possibilities, and I can't wait to see what will happen next!

So, that's the latest. I will definitely keep you posted!

Back to school

2010-08-23T15:58:00.006-04:00

I am feeling a little down today. I could be making a little money in the very near future, so you may think I would be excited... but I am not.

I went to a job interview today, for part-time work at a really cute children's clothing boutique. Since I have been out of work for so long, nobody else seemed to want me, so, retail it is. They were looking for moms, their hours are very flexible, and require no evening shifts. It seems pretty easy and fun. But... I don't want to do this forever. Actually, I don't want to do this at all.

Today is one of those days where I stop and ask myself, "What do I want to do with my life?". It most definitely isn't retail. I hate retail, in fact. The only reason why I seem to be stuck in it is due to my past nomadic and spontaneous lifestyle, which was great at the time with plenty of wonderful memories, but I am really paying for it now. The only jobs I ever had have been either in retail, or some kind of office or executive assistant setting. And I hate doing it.

Jason and I have moved 11 times in the 12 years we have been together. And these moves were not all just hopping from town to town in the same state -- but across the country, and back. A few times. The longest we stayed in one place was just over 2 years. Yes, it has been very hectic. Very fun and exciting, but very hectic. When we lived in New York for a while, we were actually pretty stable, loved our jobs, made good money, I started community college, Jason finished his Bachelor's, and we moved again when I was about a semester or two away from graduation and getting my Associates. I would find a great job, we would get bored, and then move. Needless to say, I never got the oppurtunity to move up or get a promotion; we were always on to the next.

Well, 2 kids later, I am still where I left off and not getting any younger. We are here to stay, no more big moves. It is so relieving yet scary at the same time. Here I am, almost 30, and what the hell did I do with my life so far? Okay, I have been all over the country, met some wonderful people, experienced a lot of things, have 2 beautiful children -- yet, I still feel unfulfilled. Where is the me in all of this?

I am going back to school. I am not 100% sure what I am going to do at this point, but something with health and the human body. I have always been interested in the human body; When I was a child I used to read the encyclopedias my parents had lying around about biology and health. I used to look over all the medical drawings showing the muscles and circulatory system, and I would love to watch the surgical shows on Discovery Health Channel. And, well, you all know how interesting I find birth. I figure, why sit behind a desk in a cubicle 5 days a week or fold sweaters and ring out customers, when I find something else so interesting, and always have.

At this point, I am leaning towards midwifery (big surprise there, I bet) and thinking about becoming a CNM. I have even thought about medical school. I am not sure. What I am sure about is I am heading back and I am not stopping until I have a title after my name. Whatever that may be.

Baby fever

2010-08-17T16:53:00.001-04:00

It seems like so many people I know, both in real life and on the internet, are pregnant and due around the same time. My best friend is pregnant with her first (squee!) and due March 8th, my sister's best friend, also pregnant with her first, is due April 11th. A cyber buddy, Gina (a.ka. The Feminist Breeder) is pregnant with her third and due in or around April, too. Oh, and then there's the various other people I "know" on various message boards and forums I am a part of. All preggers.

At the moment, I don't want to get a huge belly, get fat, get even more tired than I already am, barf my brains out for 6 weeks, or go through labor anytime soon. I also don't want to sleep worse than I am already or go through the hell of an almost guaranteed over-supply issue again. But, still, it really makes me want #3. Soon.

It really isn't the best time, though. We are in the midst of trying to start our own business, maybe relocating soon, job hunting, getting out of debt, not to mention just raising these 2 little handfuls right now.

Still, that little -- okay, HUGE and loud -- biological clock is ticking. I need to keep this baby fever at bay though. In the meantime I will just live vicariously through my best friends' new and exciting first pregnancy, and eagerly wait for that beautiful new baby at the end of it all. At least this time I get to be the one on the other line, asking,"Is it time yet?" Ha ha.

10 years

2010-08-15T21:53:00.000-04:00

Jason and I have been married for 10 years. I can't believe it's been 10 years already. When we first married, I thought by our 10th anniversary, he'd buy me a huge diamond ring and it would be this incredibly special time.

But, it was just... us. And it was still a great time.

Angel watched the kids, and we went out to eat at a very nice restaurant, had a few drinks with a fantastic dinner, went to the pier (it was a gorgeous night, too), then had coffee, and just talked. It was great, and romantic and beautiful, yet, simple.

In the words of my husband, "If the next ten years is going to be anything like the last ten, we are in for another ride of our lives."

The Demont family run-down

2010-07-27T22:28:00.004-04:00

This past weekend, we went to visit family for my mother's birthday. This is the second time we have had a family get together to honor our mother's life. Everyone had a blast, as usual. We all met up at our father's house, which was nice as we have not been there in a long time. We went out to eat, then had ice cream, and then went to a local park so the kids could play.

Some photos:

Hannah loved this huge stuffed white tiger at grandpa's house. She loves dogs, and I think she thought that's what it was. :)

Hannah wanted to wear my bracelet all day long. I can't even describe the feeling when I see her emulating the things I do. <3

Mason, out cold on Anne's couch.

Mason has a new tricycle, which he loves. It's all he wants to do now when we go outside, especially since he is getting better at riding it. Getting him back inside the house is no fun task though.

Thanks to a Facebook friend, I was "set up" with a woman my age, who is also a mother or 2, and lives in the next town over. We just had our first playdate at the park today, and we all had a great time. Her 5 year old son got along great with Mason, at one point, they were holding hands. So cute! We plan to hang out again soon, as well as get the daddies togther too. We just seemed to click, and we have a lot in common -- even our homebirth midwife! Yes, she also had Joni attend her homebirth. What a neat little coincidence. I think I may have just made a really good friend.

This coming weekend, I am finally getting my haircut after 2 years. I know it seems lame to some, but I am very excited about it as I am sick of this long, thick and drab hair. My hair is so thick and full of dead-ends, I never wear it down anymore. What's the point of having long hair then? I don't plan on cutting it all off, though. Right now it's almost to my waist, and I just want an inch or two taken off the length, but I want the hairstylist to go all out when it comes to layers. I will post some before and after photos.

The first week of August, two of my sisters and my neice are staying over our house for 3 days. We wanted to go on vacation this summer, but we are all broke, so now we are having a stay-cation. We plan on going to the beach, local theme parks, etc. It should be a blast and I can't wait.

Then, the weekend after is our 10th wedding aniversary!!! TENTH!?! I can't believe it's been ten years. We don't know exactly what we are doing yet, but I am sure it will be wonderful no matter what. To be honest, at this point I don't care what we do, as long as we get some time away from the kids together.

That's about it. 'Till we meet again.

Becoming city people(?)

2010-07-15T16:00:00.006-04:00

Jason wants to move us to the city. New York City. Me? I do... and I don't... but mostly don't, at the moment.

If you are familiar with my blog, you probably know that Jason and I have wanted to move back to the town we used to live in when Mason was born. The town is Greenwich, which is basically a suburb of NYC. We both loved living there, as it has lots to offer; privacy and space, yet tons of parks, shopping, restaurants, and playgrounds all within walking distance. Jason's current job is about 5 minutes from Greenwich, and since we have moved away from there almost 3 years ago, his commute has been at least an hour each way by car, and it has been killing him (all of us, really).

In the meantime, Jason has been looking for a new job in NYC. He is pretty much stuck at his current job, without much chance of moving up anymore, so he wants out. Not to mention, for the business he's in, the pay is much, much better in the city. He just interviewed for a job last week, and he is currently waiting to hear back. He is highly qualified, so we have our fingers crossed.

We both agreed that Greenwich would be a great place to move back to, as we both like it, lots of things for the kids, the public schools are great, and his commute would be a 30 minute express commuter rail into the city. We figured it would be great because, even if he didn't get a new job right away, his current job would be 5 minutes away, and the city would be just a train ride away.

Suddenly, Greenwich isn't good enough anymore. He says he doesn't want to live in Greenwich -- it's NYC, or nothing. He tells me he thinks the city will be better. He says he won't have a commute, the kids will have more things to do, as well as being exposed to more things. Part of me thinks he is romanticizing living there, and not really thinking about the logistics of such a move. It would be a HUGE change for the whole family.

I like visiting the city, but that's about it. It is just so crowded and any apartment we'd get would not have outdoor space for ourselves, where Greenwich has people, privacy and SPACE. We would probably be able to buy something in Greenwich before we could afford buying in NYC. Maybe the city would have been great before kids, but I just don't feel this move would be right for our family now. We don't even know how the public school system is there. Jason says they are good, in certain areas, but we already know Greenwich public schools are fantastic. And you don't need to take tests to "get in".

We love to visit family, and do it often. In Greenwich, family is about 2 hour drive on the freeway, something we do where we live now, and have done for the past 3 years. If we live in the city, who knows what the hell we'd do with our cars, and visiting family would be either a very long and stressful car ride, or subway, train, car, etc. I know the city has tons to offer, but a part of me feels like I would be "trapped" there. Coming and going out of NYC is a pain in the ass.

We just can't seem to decide on this issue. He admits he really likes Greenwich, we LOVED living there, and even now when we go there to visit, we have a blast and he always talks about living there again. We know what to expect there, the kids like it there too.

Last night, he gave me an ultimatum: If we go to the city, we will try for a third child, if not, he will not agree to a third. He knows how much I want a third (and final) child in the future. I know marriage is all about compromise, but, c'mon, really? What an ass.

I just want both of us to agree on something. I want us both to be happy where we live. Who knows, maybe I would love being a SAHM of 2 (maybe 3?!?) in NYC, but.. I don't know. Maybe we just need to actually go look at apartments, talk to some parents who are raising, or have raised, their kids there.

Any unbiased opinions? Experience? Advice?

Where I stand now

2010-07-08T13:51:00.009-04:00

I was never one who felt "one with my body", or into childbirth/pregnancy in any way, shape, or form. I knew I wanted children one day, and that was all.

When I did get pregnant, birth was not on my mind other than the typical,"Oh my god! Will this hurt?!?" of the first time mom-to-be. I did want to attempt to go med-free, mostly due to not liking to take any drugs (I don't even like to take Tylenol), and yeah, a little bit of the "I want to see if I can do this" mentality. I wasn't into the natural birth community, didn't want to read The Women's Thinking Guide, wasn't into the "woo" aspect of birth, and I thought homebirths were for hippies (just the thought scared the crap out of me).

As you probably know, I agreed to an induction at barely 41 weeks. Though a part of me really wanted to wait until I went into labor on my own, a bigger part was done being pregnant, and I wanted to meet my son. That induction turned into a CPD/FTP cesarean (you can read the birth story here), which scared the crap out of me.

Then came my website, ICAN, this blog, and various other advocacy stints. I was enveloped in everything birth related -- just peruse through this blog, and you'll see. I TTC my second child, got pregnant (finally), and planned a HBAC. The HBAC went fine, until the end, when there was a 4 minute shoulder dystocia (story here). Though the birth was extremely painful and traumatic, I went on with birth and homebirth advocacy.

But, this time, it just didn't feel right.

This is where I am now. I no longer feel that passion I once felt for birth. This is probably for a few reasons:

Some days I do want a third child, and some days I don't. Jason definitely doesn't want anymore, so, unless there is an "oops!", we are done. I feel I have been stuck in a pregnancy/TTC/birth rut for over 4 years now. It's time to move on. It's time for that next chapter of life. It's time to get back to being me, sans pregnancy or birth. I feel a pull in an other direction of life, and though I may pursue something to do with childbirth or fertility in the future, it isn't here or now.

A while after the HBAC, I remember thinking,"I can't believe I had a homebirth. This is just not me... ". I was sucked into this mentality that hospitals suck, you can have a better birth if you just really try for it, and it's only attainable med free and at home. The homebirth opened my eyes to birth, how it is in reality, not how we want or hope it to be. It made me realize that much of the "birthing goddess" mentality is arrogant, and in some countries, such as this one, many are privledged with healthier bodies and access to great medical care. It's not usually about life and death, and when it is, it's rare enough to make headlines. I felt silly. I realized there was no control. It was my body doing something, and I was hoping it would end up okay. I "trusted birth", and envisioned a peaceful HBAC with all my might. But it didn't happen. Life happened. And you have no control over that, no matter how hard you believe or "trust".

I have always heard that women who have lost babies during birth, especially VBAC or homebirth, felt ostracized by the natural birth community afterwards, both in real life and on the internet. Even though I thankfully didn't lose my baby, I still found that when I told my story, or was just very honest about my homebirth experience, I was being told that my positions in labor, my midwife, or even my fear, caused the shoulder dystocia. I was being blamed; I didn't "trust birth enough". One woman told me that shoulder dystocia doesn't happen in undisturbed birth (like, say, an unassisted birth), that there is no such thing when a woman births alone. Shoulder dystocia (as well as other complications) just happens when there is a midwife meddling about, or if you fear something. She "knows this" because all the unassisted birth stories she's ever read or seen on YouTube support her claim. One told me that any papers on the evolution of human birth were conspiracies, both obstericians and anthroplogists working together to explain the need for the high cesarean rate. No, I am not kidding. These are the views of the extremist, and it is just as dangerous as the highly medicalized side of the spectrum.

There probably are a few more reasons, but you get my point.

My website, BirthCut, will always be there though. I will always be there to support mothers and fathers with their cesarean and VBAC birth experiences. I will always be there to support anyone who suffers from a traumatic birth. Always. But I am not an outspoken VBAC or homebirth or natural birth advocate anymore. Two years ago I wouldn't believe that I would write these words; But I am. It's the truth. You want a homebirth? Great. A hospital birth? Awesome. A repeat cesarean? Perfect. An epidural? Nice. Whatever works for you. I am not here to tell you what's better, or who is the better mother, woman, parent,(fill in the blank here) for doing it this way or that way.

I will probably change the title of this blog, too. I just have no idea to what though. This blog will be about me and my family, thoughts, whatever. I will most likely lose some readers -- if not all -- since that is who reads my blog. But it's okay.

I guess I came full circle. It was just a journey that I needed to take. I did learn a lot, but now I do feel like me again, and it feels awesome.

And to get everything out in the open, if I were ever blessed with a third child, I wouldn't have another homebirth. It would be in the hospital. Maybe with an OBGYN. And I would be looking forward to that epidural.

Fourth of July weekend

2010-07-06T11:53:00.004-04:00

We had an awesome 4th of July weekend. It was also the 1 year anniversary of my mothers' death, so it was definitely bittersweet.

We all packed up and spent the weekend at my sister's house. It was a weekend of relaxing by the pool, fireworks, and cookouts. It was much needed. It reminded me of the trips we used to take to visit family when Mason was little. We would sleepover my sister's house for the weekend at least once a month, and we always had a blast. Since we moved here and had Hannah, we haven't done it much, if at all, so it was a welcome change.

Mason and Hannah loved my sister's pool. Mason especially; he was in it for hours. He had a fit whenever I tried to take him out of eat or use the potty. Sleeping over wasn't as bad as I thought -- both kids slept through the night peacefully.

The fireworks were awesome; some of the best I have ever seen. Mason blocked his ears, and I spent the whole time covering Hannah's ears with my jacket, but other than the loud noise, they both loved them.

Here are a few pictures from the weekend.

Looking for bugs. :)

Waiting for the fireworks to start.

Me and Angel.

I snapped this photo of the beautiful sunset on our way home.

Rediscovering the cook in me

2010-06-29T18:31:00.000-04:00

Years ago, before children, I used to love to cook. Jason and I used to try new recipes, and I loved to bake, all from scratch. I didn't do it because I felt like I needed to fulfill my womanly duties or anything, I just love to eat food. Good food.

After we had Mason, the homestyle cooking slowed down quite a bit, and then when I was pregnant with Hannah, it stopped. We ate lots of frozen foods, or even just cereal for dinner. We ate lots of meat too.

Last week, I realized I was sick of eating like that, and feeding my kids like that. I tried to find a site that had healthy recipes, and vegetarian dishes since we are trying to cut back on all the meat we consume. I came across EatingWell. They have tons of healthy recipes, as well as vegetarian dishes.

Last week I tried a vegetarian dish called Black Bean Croquettes. It came out perfect, and was absolutely delicious! Even Hannah liked it! We will definitely have that again.

Tonight, I am making Seared Steaks with Caramelized Onions & Gorganzolla Cheese (see pic at top of post). It looks delicious and I can't wait to eat it.

Of course, cooking like this takes time, but it's so worth it. I am not cooking like this every night, maybe 2 or 3 times a week, and I am remembering how fun it is. Now off to play chef.

(As you can see I am attempting to be a better blogger. Two posts in one day. Holy crap.)

SAHM worth $15/hr

2010-06-29T10:17:00.000-04:00

As you know, I am looking for a job. So far, I haven't recieved any responses other than not being "a good fit" for the position. I know the employers see that big neon sign blazing 4 year gap in my resume and pass me right over. Though I did get one scammer from the UK contact me for a supposed WAH position. I'll pass.

I did come across this one job description while looking on Craigslist. This ad is for a nanny/maid/slave. I just couldn't believe all the tasks this person would have to do, and all for $15/hr. Well, I do all this stuff for free every day, but these are my kids. It makes me wonder what the parent or parents who posted this job discription actually do besides work. I mean, if you aren't home to empty your damn trash, you must not have a lot of time for much else.

The following pretty much describes not only a SAHM, but all mothers daily lives to a T. It really does seem like a lot when you look at it listed like this. But, am I the only one who thinks $15/hr is on the low side for this job? Oh, wait, maybe not. We all know being a SAHM is "easy". It's not important or anything when compared to a sucessful career. (yeah, sarcasm)

Job Description: 70% household maintenance and laundry/ 30% childcare

Cleaning:

*Maintain house in immaculate condition on a daily basis

*Load and Unload Dishwasher

*Run vacuum as needed

*Mop kitchen area as needed

*Empty garbage pails on daily basis

*Make beds and changing bed linens

*Basic Clutter Control

*Keep play areas organized and neat

*Wipe out bathroom sinks and keep bathrooms organized

Laundry:

*Must be EXCELLENT laundress with references and min. 2 years experience.

*Must know how to care for fine clothes- (what to put in dryer, what

not to put in dryer, what must be dry clean only)

*Fold clothes and put away where they belong.

*Light Ironing as needed

*Keep dresser drawers organized and closets in order.

Cooking:

*Follow recipes from a cook book

*Prepare meals for family as needed

*Prepare healthy snacks to be kept in refrigerator

*Excellent driving record with valid driver's license

Household Errands/Administrative Tasks

*Grocery Shop as needed

*Run light errands (pharmacy, post office, etc.)

Childcare:

*Drive children to appointments or play dates as needed

*Babysit as needed

*Assist with bath time

*Make sure school bags are ready to go for next morning with all

children's necessities

Pay: $15/Hour

My Hannah

2010-06-27T21:09:00.001-04:00

I just took this photo of Hannah yesterday. I just had to post it. I love this picture so much; it just captures her so well. As her mother I know I am biased, but wow -- how beautiful is she?

This stay-at-home mom is going back to work

2010-06-21T22:02:00.001-04:00

Today, both Jason and I finally agreed that yes, I am going back to work. As I told you in my last post, things have been pretty tight financially and it's just time to go back out there and make some money. I have mixed feelings about this, of course.

I have been out of work for almost 4 years now. I have been a stay-at-home mother for almost that long. As much as I am looking forward to some much needed money, adult interaction, and feeling of accomplishment outside the mothering realm, I still am pretty terrified about it. This is going to be a huge change, not only for me, but the whole family. Being a SAHM has been my identity for almost 4 years, and I am pretty comfortable in this role. I just feel so out of the loop and underqualified now. Going back to the working world seems a little daunting, to say the least... but what I'm really worried about is my children. How will they fare in all of this?

Luckily we have a friend who has agreed to take Mason and Hannah at her home-based daycare for about half the price we would pay normally. This is incredibly helpful, and we can't thank her enough. We know the woman, and her husband is good friends with Jason. Mason is almost 3 1/2, and Hannah just a few days shy of 14 months. I think Mason will be fine with other children, Hannah, I don't know. It is 50/50 with her. Sometimes she is okay with others, sometimes she isn't. Hannah is pretty high needs. I only know how she acts in a home environment, she has never been away from me consistently for long periods of time.

I just keep telling myself this is what we need to do, and everything will be okay. Our friend who runs the daycare is wonderful with kids, and I feel so grateful that we can send them to someone we know rather than total strangers. Also, once money starts rolling in again, and we can dig ourselves out of some of this financial avalanche, I think it will lessen the stress for everyone. The kids can sense the stress Jason and I have been under, and that is not a good thing.

I just sent out my resume to a prospective employer for a position I am very qualified for. I guess we will see how this all pans out.

*fingers crossed*

The joys of home ownership

2010-06-14T19:40:00.001-04:00

When Jason and I bought this house, we had no car payment, and he made more money. Since then, Jason had a pretty large unexpected paycut (I got the call from him telling me this wonderful news while I was in labor with Hannah. Yippee), and we added another car to the family -- which meant a car payment. We are just barely making ends meet now.

I am pretty much stuck at home since working would be pointless. The cost of daycare here is astronomical. My pay would barely cover the added expense.

Our options are moving or refinancing.

Yesterday, we had a realtor come and assess the property. It went very well. If we sold the house, we could actually make money off of it. If we were to sell, we would most likely downsize to a townhouse, preferably in our old town. We went to a few open houses there yesterday. A few townhouses were nice, but some were not so nice. They were on the small side too, and trying to picture 2 kids stuffed into these rooms was tough.

Realizing what we would have to sacrifice if chose to move, we are looking into refinancing. Rates are pretty low, and we are talking to the same bank we got our home loan through. Hopefully this will save us a few hundred dollars every month.

We know we want to move, eventually. But, ideally, not now, especially with 2 little ones. If push came to shove and we needed to move, we would, but I hope refinancing is what works for us.

Anyone have any experience with refinancing? Or maybe just being in the same shitty situation as we are?

Coffee break

2010-06-09T14:45:00.003-04:00

Both kids are napping, and I am sitting on the sofa with a hot cup of coffee. Heaven. I wonder how long this will last...

This SAHM thing is getting harder. It was "easy" with just one child, but now with a second child, who is very high maintenance, I am barely keeping my head above water most days.

A part of me takes delight when Jason gets frazzled being around the kids just for a few hours on the weekend, because in a way it just reinforces the fact that what I do takes a whole hell of a lot of patience (which I must admit is wearing thin), and I think I do a pretty good job.

Still, I will be a honest. It sucks. I have never been that "motherly" type. I never liked kids. I couldn't stand them, actually. I hated to take care of my husband (he is an adult, he can take care of himself), and hated to cook (every now and then it was fun, but don't expect a 3 course meal every night. How does Hamburger Helper sound?), as well as clean. And being a SAHM (or a mom. Period.) requires this. All of it -- at least to some extent.

Yesterday was a particularly rough day. Everyone was cranky and miserable. At one point I had to walk away before I lost it, into the sunroom and closed the sliding glass door behind me. Then, I heard Hannah start to cry, and her screeching wail faded down the hallway, and then back into the living room, and eventually over to the sunroom door, pressing her face against the glass. She was looking for me, of course. I saw her nose smushed against the glass, and as soon as her eyes fell on me, she stopped crying. My heart melted. How can I stay mad after that? I immediately opened the door and scooped her up into my arms.

Ah, the ping - pong emotions of a mother.

I look at SAHM's who seem to have it all together, and think, "What the hell am I doing wrong? How does she do it?" This is just so hard for me. Part of me can't wait until the kids are school age so I can get back into the adult world. Every now and then, when I open up my closet to rummage through my elastic-waisted SAHM wardrobe, I catch glimpse of my old work clothes all the way in the back. The button-up shirts, black slacks, and the pencil skirts -- and I miss it. I miss getting dressed for something and heading out the door.

Yup, I know, the grass is always greener. And I am enjoying being with my kids (at certain times) and watching them hit milestones (like Hannah starting to walk!) But I am trying my hardest not to lose sight of me. Maybe the grass isn't always greener, but maybe there is at least some shade or a nice bench to rest on.

Three? Or not to three?

2010-05-26T12:03:00.001-04:00

Hannah is 13 months already. I cannot believe it. She is a toddler, no longer my little newborn, or infant. *cries*

I am starting to get that baby bug again. I know it's not the right time -- where we live, expenses, stresses, etc. Not to mention the thought of three children under 4 scares me a little. Okay, a lot. But, still... I can't help but to feel that distinctive and very powerful biological pull in that direction...

Jason isn't hearing it. Well, for now, anyway. He has gone back and forth so much on this issue since Hannah has been born. Sometimes he thinks he would like to have a third, and then sometimes it's "I'm Done!".

I have always wanted three children. Maybe because I grew up very close to my younger sister and our nephew. To me, three is a nice, round number. It seems it would complete our family. I still feel like someone is missing, and if we never had another child, I don't think that feeling would ever go away.

Then, Hannah whines all day long, or I am breaking up endless fights between the two, and then I say to myself, "Nope. I'm done".

Hannah just started sleeping through the whole night this past week, do I really want to go back to sleepless nights and endless feedings? A tiring pregnancy chasing after 2 little ones? Stretching out my belly yet again? The pain and uncertainty of labor? The postpartum period (which is always hard for me)? Breastfeeding woes (no doubt I will have a super strong letdown/oversupply again. Ugh)? Learning to juggle another child? Adjusting our family once again?

Then, I stop and see what all of those issues have in common -- they are all temporary. And a child is forever.

I guess we'll see...

Suburbacide

2010-05-24T13:12:00.006-04:00

I hate the suburbs. The isolation, mundane everyday sameness, and lack of convenience (just to name a few) is getting to me and sucking the life blood out of my very being.

I grew up in something worse than the suburbs -- the country. A rural nightmare. We had a farm just up the road from where we lived. I was bored my whole life, and even then, when a life of no sidewalks and running to the store for a gallon of milk meant a 15 minute car ride was all I knew, I loathed it. I just wanted sidewalks, a park nearby, friends across the street, and a convenience store full of candy down the block.

Then, when I was 18, I moved out with my sister, who lived in an in-town location. I loved it. This was what I had always wanted, this was what life should be like, not tucked away in isolation. For the first time in my life, I had independence, and it was wonderful. I was finally out of the car (aka home on wheels) and could literally stop and smell the roses on a nice stress-free and leisurely stroll to the coffee shop. Now that's life.

Since then I never looked back. No boring boonies and sidewalk-less suburbs for me -- no -- Jason and I always found towns and cities that fit our lifestyle. When looking for apartments, we found in-town locations, and we were able to walk everywhere. It was great to be able to step out your front door, and walk to your destination, maybe stop and chat with familiar locals along the way. If we wanted to run up the street for that gallon of milk, no carseats to wrestle with, no gas to burn, just get the kids in the stroller or carrier, and off you go.

Then, we were excitedly looking for our first home. We didn't want to raise Mason and future child(ren) in an apartment, dammit. So, we looked for a house in the area we really wanted to live.

But, of course, here in Fairfield County, good luck buying a home in a decent area that's reasonable, and we were so adament about not getting a townhouse (I totally regret it now. I realize now a single family home is not all it's cracked up to be - especially one in the middle of nowhere) so our search was pushed further and further north, to the very tip of Fairfield Co.

To say I hate this town and this way of life is an understatement. Jason has a very long, stressful commute, which costs us lots of money in gas. Just to go get a can of catfood at the store down the road, I have to get both kids in the car, and in and out of their carseats 4 times within 20 minutes. I can't take walks with the kids like we used to. We used to get Mason in the stroller and take long walks, maybe to the grocery store, a park, or maybe just nowhere just to get out of the house and the car. We all loved it. Even now, after living here for almost 2 years, Mason tells me, "We can't go on sidewalks anymore." He hates it here too.

We have become those suburbanite drones. The ones that live in their car just as much as their houses. The ones that wave fakely to their neighbors who they, even having lived there for years, know nothing about. We are stuck on our little roads, our miniature versions of our own universe, our "safe place". We drive in our minivans and crossovers to the only park in town, barely seeing the same people twice. We can be out all day and never step foot in the fresh air -- hey, why don't we hop in the car (by walking through your breezeway to the garage), drive to the bank and use the drive-through banking, then the drive-through mini-mart, then off to the drive through at McDonalds, then back to the garage and through the breezeway and back into your prison -- I mean house.

Just today, I came across an article in The New York Times that is relevant to my suburban hate. The article talks about how obesity, high blood pressure, and depression are more common in adults and children who live in the suburbs.

I am not surprised.

It has taken me much longer to get back in shape after Hannah was born. After Mason, I was in shape within 5 months. Why? I walked everywhere, even to the grocery store. Then, at night when Mason was in bed, I ran on the track that was just a few blocks away.

Now, I am stuck working out in the basement on a treadmill. I miss jogging outdoors, I miss taking walks with the kids in the stroller, but we can't do that here. There are no sidewalks or even a small shoulder. The roads are winding and country-like, but heavily traveled. Walking on them is risking death or serious injury. So now, I stay fatter.

I am also more depressed than I have ever been. The isolation is overwhelming. I love to be around people, feel a part of something, I miss living in a community.

So, for now, we live in the suburbs. For now we are living this boring, mundane life. But, we are planning on moving as soon as possible. I can't wait for the day we drive down our "private road" for the last time. I will never look back.

Good-bye, suburbs. I hate you, and I am leaving you for something better.

Mrs.

2010-04-27T23:44:00.001-04:00

It was just a comment, said innocently enough,"Thank you, Mrs. D".

Mrs. Mrs?

I was at the pediatricians office, both kids in tow, dropping off a check. The cheerful receptionist was the one who started one big moment of clarity, with that one simple word, Mrs.

So, as I made my way back to the car in the pouring rain, holding my getting-too-damn-heavy-to-carry-she-better-start-walking-soon Hannah while simultaneously making sure Mason was not running into traffic, I started thinking: Wow, I am a Mrs. A grown woman. A mother. How and when did this happen?

Our next stop; the grocery store. Again, carrying hefty Hannah in the pouring rain, while trying to keep a hold onto Mason's hand so he would be out of the puddles and away from moving vehicles, it hit me yet again; I am that frazzled mom. Look at me, I am even in black sweats with cat hair all over them, my hair is in a nasty little old maid's bun, I am tired with bags under my eyes, no make-up, and I have not showered.

Mason wouldn't listen to me telling him to get into the shopping cart, and tried to dart into the parking lot. A cop car passed, and I did it. I told a little mommy lie. I told him the cop saw how he was acting, and he did not like it, and was going to stop the car. That got him in the cart really fast. See, I am that mommy who tells those little mommy lies.

I look down and see my mommy belly. That wrinkly skin that my second pregnancy left me with. I wasn't expecting it -- I got into shape pretty fast after Mason, I was in a bikini just 5 months later. This time, oh, hell no. The belly I got with Hannah stretched me to the max, and this belly looks like a 90 year old's. I have a mother's body... I miss my old one...

I have been a mother for just over 3 years... but I never really felt like this until today. Something clicked, or shifted, and I saw myself in a different light. It's not that I am upset about it, or even sad... just, floored. Maybe it's because I am turning 30 in five months. I have been in my 20's for a while, and though age really is just a number, it still makes aging seem more concrete. Like notches on a belt, something I can reference my mortality with.

Just recently, the lead singer of my favorite band passed away at a very young age (he was 48). This band was there for 16 years of my life. Their music got me through some really tough times... and now they will forever be an old band, their music ghosts from the past on the radio. As petty as it sounds to some, that chapter of my life is gone forever. No more new music from the band of my youth, It's pretty symbolic, I guess.

I knew I was getting older, obviously, but some days it just hits you like a ton if bricks. You are along for the ride, the rat race, and then something knocks you off course for a moment, and you just stop and step back. And look. This is me. These are my kids. This is my husband. This is my house. Now I sound like that Talking Heads song.

It's not a bad thing though, at least not to me.

So, I'm a Mrs. I am that frazzled sweat pant wearing mommy with 2 crying kids behind you in line at the grocery store. And, ya know, underneath the tired face with under eye circles, I am smiling. Laughing, actually.

.

This night, one year ago

2010-04-23T23:10:00.008-04:00

One year ago, at about this time, my midwife had just left our house, concluding my 40 week prenatal appointment. While she was here, I was having a ton of Braxton Hicks contractions, not painful, but stronger and more persistent than usual. Before she left I told her ,"Wow, I have been having Braxton Hicks contractions the whole time you've been here!" Her face lit up and she said,"Maybe I will be seeing you later!"

"Yeah right", I said. Not only was I so sure I was going to go past my due date again, but there was just no way I was going to be one of those 5% or so of women who actually go into labor on their due date.

Little did I know it was the beginning of it all.

Those Braxton Hicks contractions, though irregular, did not let up, and I remember a few times being woken from a deep slumber, only to feel some mild contractions.

Right here in my living room, there are ghosts. One of my pregnant self, and one of Joni, chatting on the sofa as I am contracting away, unaware that I am indeed in the very early stages of labor, and Hannah will be born just over 24 hours later. The past few weeks, the weather has started to get warmer, and spring is definitely in the air. It is very nostalgic. I often find myself stopping to envision myself in labor in various places throughout the house. I can picture it all so well, especially when the sun shines in just the way it did then, how it casted shadows on the floor, the golden hues as it fell lower into the horizon... it brings me back. And I am sure tomorrow, as we gather around to celebrate and blow out birthday candles and open presents and eat cake and talk and laugh, a part of me will be seeing the ghosts, remembering every detail of that glorious day.

Has it really been a year since this all began? A year since my body actually went into labor on it's own? A year since the end of my pregnancy, and the beginning of Hannah's life outside my womb? It all went so fast. I am sure a lot of it has to do with a year of sleep deprivation and raising two little ones... but, wow. A year?

A year.

Tomorrow she will be 1 year old. And here I sit, stunned, that it is already upon us. Where did it go? What happened? I don't know. All I know is that we have a birthday party tomorrow, the weather promised to be just a beautiful as it was the day she was born, and a placenta in the freezer that will soon join the earth, and hopefully grow an apple tree just as strong and lovely as my Hannah.

Yup. Still here

2010-04-14T15:36:00.003-04:00

I am the worst blogger ever. I just realized it's been over 1 month since I posted. Oops.

While I was not blogging, I actually got a CAR! It's a new CRV. I love it. It feels great to get out of the house with the kids. I feel somewhat normal again. Looking back, I have no idea how I got through a whole year and a half living in the sticks with one child -- and then adding another -- with no car. I guess you just get by how you can. I hope to never go back to living life like that. It was pretty miserable.

Yesterday Hannah and Mason had a playdate with Michael, the little 17 month old down the road. His mother and I had time to talk again, which was nice. We get along really well. The kids had a blast -- well, Mason and Michael did. Hannah was sleepy (we skipped her morning nap to make the playdate) and a little freaked out by 2 rambunctious boys running rampant. She warmed up at the end though. We plan to set up another playdate soon. I look forward to them just as much as the kids do; I love talking to another adult, another mother.

Hannah's 1st birthday is just around the corner. Um, yeah. I still can't believe it. She isn't walking yet, but starting to cruise. She says "Mama" (or more like "mamamamama") and is such a daddy's girl. As soon as she hears the door opening when he comes home from work, she stops whatever she is doing and crawls into the kitchen at lightning speed to greet him.

Drumroll please.... Mason uses the potty! Jason and I thought it was never going to happen (okay, I knew he wasn't still going to be in diapers at 30, but it sure felt that way). We bribed him with everything: candy, ice cream, a pet fish, even a laptop! (I told you were we getting desperate!) NOTHING worked.

Finally, over the weekend, we took off his diaper, and we made him sit on the potty. It wasn't working at first, but we just kept his diaper off all day, and eventually, he went pee! We now keep his diaper off at home, and only use them for outings or naps/bedtime. There hasn't been any accidents for almost 2 days now. He still hasn't pooped in the potty, but I know that will come soon enough. I am just so proud of him. :)

I am attending the cesarean art exhibit in Baltimore, Maryland at the end of the month. It's called "Cesarean Voices". I sent in a few pieces. Angel is coming over to watch the kids, and Jason and I are driving down to Baltimore. We are staying at a hotel for 1 night. I repeat: we are staying at a hotel for one night. This means one thing: SLEEP! I cannot wait. Not only am I looking forward to some time to recharge my batteries, but spending some time with my husband. Not to mention meeting some wonderful women at the art exhibit. I will definitely post pics and write all about it.

Okay, hopefully there won't be a month long lull until my next blog post. I promise to be a better blogger.

Choice

2010-03-02T20:47:00.004-05:00

I have come across some discussions on homebirth vs. hospital birth lately that made me shake my head, and some that made me downright angry. I thought about posting this for a while, but just kept putting it off. Today I decided to just get it out there.

Since Hannah's birth, I have found some of my strong feelings and opinions I once had about birth are changing. Some have disappeared all together.

I no longer believe you need to be home to have the best birth experience, I no longer have an issue with or have "trouble understanding" women who choose a repeat cesarean instead of a VBAC, or feel the need to try and convince others that birthing at a hospital is dangerous or just asking for a cesarean.

I simply respect other women's choices.

Just recently, I happened upon an online discussion where one woman was asking why some families may not choose homebirth. One woman replied that her friend chose all hospital births for her previous children, and is planning another hospital birth for her current pregnancy, because she loved the 2 day stay afterwards. She then went on to ask,"What do you suggest I tell her?"

Tell her what? She should birth at home instead because... Why? Why can't this woman enjoy her hospital experience? Why can't you respect her choice? Why feel the need to try to change her mind? Why not you choose homebirth and leave your friend be.

If only "they" knew is a common phrase I hear. If only other women knew the truth about birth. If only, if only...

I guess I am part of the group of women that had homebirths now -- but honestly, sometimes I feel that I don't belong here. Sure, there are homebirthers who just do their thing, and don't push their ideals on anybody. But there are those that make it known throughout the land that homebirth is superior.

I don't agree with the arrogance some display, or the militant attitude some show towards women who choose a hospital birth. I have heard time and time again that women need to be alone, or in a sacred space, and if they just didn't go to the hospital, x,y and z would not have happened, or will not happen, and women wouldn't fear birth.

That's just fine and dandy if you want to be alone, "in your sacred space". But some women don't want that. Some want people there. Some want medical intervention, or be where it's readily available. Some don't want to labor or feel the power of their body, or birth like a "goddess". Some really do not care about the experience and simply want a live and healthy baby at the end.

It's not because "they didn't do the homework", or "don't trust birth or their bodies". Even if the woman planning a hospital birth does all her research and knows every pro and con and risk factor -- she may still very well choose the hospital. Why? Because some people think differently than you do. They did their "homework" and used their brain, just like you, to decide what was best for them and their families.

Some put so much effort in trying to convince women that hospitals are dangerous and homebirth is the only way to go. Why not take that effort to advocate for women's choices in childbirth -- whether it be at the hospital for an elective cesarean, or an unassisted birth at home?

Let's make it a woman's right to choose VBAC without jumping through a million and one hoops, advocate for lowering the rates of unnecessary interventions and mindless protocol in the typical hospital birth, advocate for mother and baby friendly cesareans... But let's not waste so much energy on proclaiming your way of birthing is superior, that it is THE way to birth, and trying to convince others that as well.

We are all different. We don't need to think the same, and we don't need to birth the same. We need to respect other's choices -- even when we may not agree.

Blogger burnout

2010-02-23T11:05:00.000-05:00

This is me. It pretty much explains why I haven't been blogging much lately, or even on the internet much. I am getting tired of the computer, and I feel a much needed internet vacation coming up. Sorry dudes.

Jason is working on a little project too, so we are very excited and wrapped up in that at the moment, so that has been distracting me quite a bit.

I don't think I am going to quit blogging though. Not yet anyway. Just need a break.

I'm still here

2010-01-31T22:16:00.002-05:00

Wow. I have not been here in a while. I can explain.

To be honest, there really isn't anything interesting or exciting going on in my life right now. I have been busy working on a new page for my site . It will be solely dedicated to positive cesarean section experiences and will include birth plans, positive cesarean birth stories, and recovery tips. I am receiving some of the birth stories, and I am in awe at how beautiful they are. Immediately after my cesarean I would have gagged at the thought of a positive cesarean... but now that the defensiveness and anger has waned, I am seeing it for what it is -- a birth.

I have also been reading Ending Female Pain by Isa Herrera. It is fantastic so far and I am sure many will find it just as helpful. I hope to have a Q & A with Ms. Herrera soon, and will post it on my BirthCut blog.

I have also decided that I will keep this blog for more personal things, and most of the birth related issues will be posted to the BirthCut blog.

Q & A with the artist from cesarean-art.com

2010-01-07T21:25:00.001-05:00

Taken from my BirthCut blog:

Cesarean-art.com is one of the first sites I came across when recovering from my c-section. It is a collection of raw and expressive cesarean artwork by an anonymous artist who, though wanting a VBAC, was railroaded into a repeat c-section for the birth of her second child.

My jaw dropped at how powerful the images were... how well I could relate to what each peice expressed. I admired her courage and honestly for showing the world how her cesareans affected her, not to mention felt extremely grateful as she was one of the first that helped me realize I wasn't alone in my feelings.

The artist was gracious enough to take part in a Q & A for my blog.

Q. Could you describe the births of your children? How were the c/s experiences different--if at all?

A. Like many, I had great hopes for the birth of my first child. I'm from Europe, and I got medical care from a traditional doctor as well as seeing a midwife in a birth center at the same time. The thought of a c-section actually never crossed my mind. It also never crossed my mind that a c-section would change future births since there were VBA2C women in my birth prep class.

All the women in my class gave birth, and mine was "late". The birth center did not take me anymore at 41 weeks and I was transferred to a regular hospital. I was advised a c-section without even having labor and agreed too hastily. It was sad, painful and really scary. I had no real support at the time from anyone and felt left alone.

Six years later, I was pregnant again, now in the USA. Looking for an OB was also the first time I even dealt with the US medical system. I was frustrated soon to find out the way things work about networks and being restricted to a certain hospital. During my first OB visit I was told I would have to have a c-section and was shocked. I also found that there was no birthcenter and no midwife would legally see me for a vbac. I didn't (still don't) have the guts for an unassisted birth. I tried to tell myself it wouldn't be "so bad" and that I was sort of OK the first time. But again it was really sad to have a surgical birth and never even have labor. My husband and family didn't support anything outside the c-section option.

So in October 2005 I laid myself on the operation table and they extracted my son. Technically, things went "fine" by OB's standard. But I remained very angry. I expressed anger and frustration to the OB regarding enforced c-sections but all it did was sending a red flag and I became labeled "problem patient". And, now that it was all done, I was even told that "you could have just left my office, then I wouldn't have done a c-section on you".

Now that I know all the details about why OBs don't do VBACs, not only always out of greed but because insurances basically make them to or they are scared of lawsuits etc I am still angry that I did not get any explanations.

Some more human emotion and explanation about the situation towards the patient (me) could have changed a lot of things I think.

Q. How was your physical recovery from your cesareans? Did they differ at all?

A. They both were horribly painful by my level of tolerance but nothing out of the extraordinary as I am told. I still find them humiliating.

Q. When did you start creating your cesarean art? What was your first piece?

A. I started with 2 images about 3 months after the birth. "The deed is done" and "Post Partum".

The rest was started about 6 months pp, when my "cesarean rage" was at its prime level. I had dug out so much information that could have been important to me before birth. But I had been naive and ignoring too many things back then and let them threaten me into the repeat c-section. Now I found out that you can't be forced, your baby won't die and so on. I was mad.

Some people have mentioned that I may or may not have taken the time to draw away from the time I took care of my children. I made everything at snail's pace, whenever I had my moments. The whole "collection" took about one year or so. It's not that I was in a hurry at all.

Q. What is your favorite piece and why?

A. I like "first shower" because so many women could relate to it. It's not pretty but it speaks volumes. Your in the shower alone, your baby is somewhere gone, you are in pain, can not stand straight and look at your battered body for the first time.

Q. One of your works is titled "Birth of PPD", did you have PPD after your second cesarean? First? Do you think your c/s directly contributed to that?

A. No, even though I didn't, I read that c-sections raise the chance of PPD or PTSD. Doh, I wonder why! It's a brutal act to say the least if you think about it.

I was lucky to bond with my children and get the hell out of the hospital asap. I love them and never held them accountable for anything. That's the thing so many don't understand. Hating your c-section says absolutely nothing about loving or appreciating your baby.

Q. Another piece shows a woman cutting herself with a knife across her abdomen, below the caption read, "OB claims I am irritating my scar", what is the story behind it?

A. My scar was red and irritated and the OB claimed I was irritating it. To me, that was another thing to add to the list of making me a "problem". At that point, I was disappointed beyond belief and decided never to go there anymore. Then I got the letter saying that OB felt the same.

Q How do you feel about the births of your children now some years have passed? How long did it take you to feel that you were starting to heal emotionally?

A. Now that I have met likewise thinking moms and people who actually understand what's going on, I can look back on everything in a less angry way and accept my story as a cautionary tale to others.

It's great to have met people through ICAN and other places that understand how I have felt/feel. My OB tried to make me believe that I was the only one by telling me "I've never had anyone angry over a c-section before".

I don't know if I would ever "get over it" but it did take a good 2 years to become confident in myself again in that aspect.

Q Did you feel creating your cesarean art helped in the healing process?

A. I don't know. It was very cathartic and the negative feedback I got when the site was picked up by a message board for medical professionals was awful. I had just put it up and it was torn apart by them first. Do they google for this kind of stuff?? It had a lot of arrogance, all sorts of "mental disorders" diagnosed by proxy and so forth. I only read because someone pointed me to it but I never wrote anything.

Later I got a lot of good feedback. I keep the site up for everyone to see for themselves wether they love it or hate it. I grew a very thick skin

Q. What would you say to a woman who is in the same shoes you were in 2005 while trying to find a provider who would allow a VBAC?

A. I really don't know! I'm not an authority or something like that, as I mentioned above I'm more of a cautionary tale. If anything, I recommend to be more proactive and find real-life support and knowledge through a doula or midwife to give you your information, not only your OB.

And if you don't really click with your OB, change the office before it is too late. In my case, I was told I can't transfer to another office after 20 weeks and I even believed it.I'd never have someone I don't feel comfortable with or who treats me coldly perform surgery on my body again.

Q Any words for women just starting down the path of healing from their c/s experience?

A. Get to know other women. Talk about it with someone who understands. Trying to reach out to people who don't really "get it" can be counter productive in my opinion. For a long time I had low self esteem after my 2nd c-section. The feeling of being treated like a lifeless doll during the c-section seeped into the image I had of myself. Of course it's not true, and slowly shaking this off through hearing others' stories helped tremendously.

What to do next time--if there is a "next time".

2010-01-04T14:20:00.000-05:00

First of all Happy New Year!

For me 2009 was a blur, most likely due to having added another child to our family just 8 short months ago. I am still sitting here shell shocked at how fast it all went by. Imagine me with a what-the-hell-happened look on my face. That about sums it up. I hope your 2009 was great--but hope your 2010 to be even better.

This post is going to be a vintage Birth After Cesarean post of sorts. When I first started this blog, it was all about TTC and venting and confessing... I guess a bit more personal than what it has become of late. I want to get back to that, at least for this post. But of course, it will be birth related. I am sure that was a no-brainer.

The other day, I forgot what was said exactly, Jason made a passing sentiment about possibly having a third child in the future (and I am pretty happy about that--three is what I always wanted). This got me thinking about *gulp* the next birth. Would we go with another homebirth? Hospital?

As much as I would love to have another homebirth and have it go the way I wanted it to go in my dreams--a part of me is too afraid to go there again. Just thinking about laboring at home, thinking about what's to come (pushing, crowning) scares me. A lot. And then when the baby would be crowning... I am having a panic attack right now just thinking about it. How could I--we-go there again? What if the baby got stuck again--but for longer? What if what if what if what if...

The more I thought about it today, the more I thought I would maybe just find someone supportive of a vaginal birth in a hospital after a cesarean and shoulder dystocia. Though the thought of a hospital birth makes me anxious--disinterested staff, strangers, wanting to usher baby away to isolette, etc etc. I just feel if we do have a third baby, we're stuck with shitty choices.

If we have the homebirth, it's worrying about a repeat SD at home. You can tell me there's a chance of it not happening again, or 'SD is better handled at home' all day long--but it was fucking scary. Easier said than done. In my heart of hearts, mother's instinct or whatever you want to call it, I feel if we were birthing alone, she would have died, or not be as healthy as she is right now. I can't help but feel we were this close. Just a few short weeks before Hannah was born, I remember laying in bed one night and having this strange feeling of dread. Not about uterine rupture or anything specific, but this feeling that Hannah may not make it. I don't know where it came from, but it scared me. It was this feeling of doom. It was like I knew something was going to happen. I think I may have brushed it off as VBAC jitters, you know, exploding uterus and all. And then when I went into labor, I was scared. I was petrified of being alone, I felt I needed help.

I don't know, we have plenty of time to think about it--and we may never even have a third child--but it is still something that comes to mind every now and then.

I have a question for you:

If you have experienced a shoulder dystocia--or another birth complication--at home, would you/did have another homebirth? Or if you never had a homebirth or any type of life threatening birth complication, what do you think you would do given these circumstances?

Where have I been?

2009-12-19T20:52:00.000-05:00

I have been really neglecting my blog lately. I am sure you all know how it is--holidays, kids, various other projects and just plain laziness (my specialty).

I actually just popped in to let you know I will most likely be MIA for a while longer, at least until the holidays are over with. I am also busy reading the book "Ending Female Pain" by Isa Herrera. It is about helping relieving chronic pelvic pain and sexual pain in women. I haven't really read it yet, but heard nothing but good things about it. I hope to finish it soon, and then have a Q & A here on my blog.

If I don't see you before the new year, I wish you all Happy Holidays, a very Merry Christmas and a happy, safe and healthy New Year!

Cesarean sections: The gift that keeps on giving?

2009-12-02T21:33:00.002-05:00

In my Google Alerts today, I read this article about the dramatic rise in placenta accreta in the past 20 years. According to the article, not only do surgical procedures like D & C raise the risk of placenta accreta, but so does being pregnant over 35, and cesarean sections.

Placenta accreta is when the placenta attaches itself too deeply into the uterine wall. It can cause the mother to hemorrhage during manual extraction of the placenta, since it usually has difficulty detaching from the uterine wall on it's own. If the hemorrhage is severe enough it can be life threatening.

Another article talks about one study where the rate of placenta accreta in women that had placenta previa with no prior cesareans was 5%, but if she had one prior cesarean it was 25%, 2 or more prior cesareans, the rate jumped to 50%.

Then I came across this study published in the Australian and new Zealand Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecologists:

Background: Concomitant with the increase in Caesarean birth over the past three decades there has been an apparent rise in the incidence of placenta accreta and its variants. The sequelae of an increase in the occurrenceof abnormal placentation is the enhanced potential for severe maternal morbidity. Aim: To determine the contempory demographics of placenta accreta over a 5-year period in a tertiary level teaching hospital. Methods: A retrospective review of all cases of placenta accreta and variants during the period of 1998-2002. Individual charts review followed case ascertainment via the hospital obstetric database. Results: Thirty-two women with placenta accreta (or variant) were identified. Median maternal age was 34 years, with a median parity of 2.5. Seventy-eight percent of cases had had at least one prior Caesarean birth, and 88% of cases were associated with placenta praevia. Pre-delivery ultrasonography was performed in all cases, providing diagnostic sensitivity of 63% and specificity of 43% with a predictive value of 76%. Hysterectomy was performed in 91% of cases with median intraoperative blood loss of 3000 mL. There were no maternal deaths in the current series. Conclusion: A strong association between placenta accreta, placenta praevia and prior Caesarean birth has been demonstrated. As there is the potential for significant maternal morbidity the risk of placenta accreta needs to be recognised and women at risk should be considered for delivery at an institution with appropriate expertise and resources in managing this condition.

Of the 32 women with placenta accreta, 78% had at least one prior cesarean. If that doesn't speak volumes, I don't know what does.

Time and time again, on message boards, online expecting clubs and in real life, I am told how safe cesareans are, how one woman was up and about just a few hours after surgery. Another woman found it a piece of cake, another with with no pain, another opting for their second and third because a VBAC "is too risky".

What I don't see, in both articles and in online forums, is how cesareans affect women long term.

Jill from The Unnecesarean recently posted about this very subject. She writes about an email she received from a woman telling her mother's story. Her mother had 2 cesarean sections, and about 20 years later she was rushed to the ER in a comatose state. They found her incision had opened up on the inside, and her small intestine was entangled in it, causing severe blockage from which she almost died.

A year later in happened again. She was given yet more surgery to try and correct the problem.

I often wonder if 20, 30 or more years down the road we will start to hear more of these stories. The cesarean rate is climbing--here in the US it has risen 50% in the last ten years, and continues to climb. Meanwhile, the VBAC rate is declining.

The cesarean section is a birth for many, lately too many, but it is also major surgery. And we should not forget that.

Finally sent a letter to my OBGYN

2009-11-24T14:12:00.001-05:00

Finally, 7 months after my daughter passed through my "tiny" pelvis, I wrote a letter to my old OBGYN. The one that said my 8 lb. 7 oz son was just "too big" for me, and I was just "too small". The one that induced me barely one week after my due date, and it wasn't until I got my medical records that I realized I was an unfavorable candidate for induction.

I was barely a fingertip dilated, barely effaced, Mason still high. I wonder if she knew it would fail... maybe she didn't care.

It felt so good to mail this letter out. I wish I could hand it to her personally.

Dear Dr. K,

On January 4th 2007, I was in an operating room giving birth to my son because I was labeled as FTP after an induction and as having CPD.

We spoke on the phone later that year. I wanted to speak to you in more detail about the induction and cesarean since I was planning on having a VBAC the next time around. When I asked you if you thought I would be successful if I attempted a VBAC, your answer was, “Honestly, no”, because “if the baby isn’t coming out--the baby isn’t coming out”. Your words, not mine.

When I asked you if it was possible the induction or my son’s position could have lead to the cesarean, you told me, “We know how to get women into labor”. Again, your words, not mine.

So, it wasn’t the unnecessary induction (even with a horrible Bishop’s Score--but maybe you don’t know since you never assessed me… at least you never told me) or being stuck in bed with a posterior baby or not being given enough time or support or encouragement…

No--my son was just “too big” for me; my pelvis simply “too small”.

I just wanted to let you know that six months ago, my beautiful daughter--who was larger than my son--passed through my “small pelvis”. She was born at home, surrounded by family and a very supportive care provider that believed in me.

Those words you said to me stayed with me for a long time because even though I was just another patient to you, you were speaking about my body, my babies, my reproductive future.

I now feel confident saying the decision you made to proceed with a cesarean section was wrong. My cesarean was unnecessary. Not only did my son take on the risks of a needless induction turned cesarean delivery, but I had major abdominal surgery that could have been avoided.

I did not fail at my VBAC attempt. I did it. You were wrong about me, just as you are probably wrong about other women you see in your practice. I hope you think about that next time you have a woman in front of you asking about the possibility of a VBAC, or a woman who you think is carrying a baby “too big” for her to push out .

A diagnosis of CPD is something that affects real people--it should not be a term thrown around just because a labor is going too slow for your liking, or by glancing at a “petite” woman. I hope that with hearing my story, next time you won’t be so quick to call CPD or FTP and therefore avoid another unnecessary cesarean.

Sincerely,

Michele De Mont

New blog

2009-11-18T21:01:00.000-05:00

I just started a new blog which will be my new dumping ground for all my artsy fartsy things:

My Art on my Sleeve

Family time

2009-11-17T15:24:00.001-05:00

The topic of birth takes up most of the space on this blog--especially lately. Today, this post is about my wonderful family. It's cliche to say this, but I mean it...

I feel so incredibly lucky.

This past weekend was, as usual, awesome. There is nothing like the weekends--Jason is home, we are all together, we have a car in the driveway so we can actually go places... it's really nice. I hate Mondays more than ever now.

On Sunday we took a huge walk on a trail in Putnam Co., NY that we had no idea existed. It's called The Putnam Trailway. It is very long--it leads all the way into the city. Thanks to Jason's coworkers, we now know of its' existence and found a new favorite place.

It was a gorgeous November day (I actually wore a tank top). The kids faded in and out of consciousness as well as enjoyed the scenery. We walked 6 miles (and I am not even sore today. Yay! I am not totally out of shape). We plan on going back every weekend (New England weather permitting) and shoot for at least 6 miles every time.

Hannah is going to be seven months in one week. Seven months. I cannot believe it. And every day I cannot believe how beautiful she is getting. It's a wise beauty, one beyond her years. She just seems like an old soul. I can't help but feel Hannah has something to teach me. Maybe she already has.

Mason is less than 2 months away from turning three. Can't believe that one, either. The little boy that made me a mommy is growing up much too fast. When Hannah is napping, I appreciate the alone time we have together more than ever... just special Mason and mommy time.

I can't believe I am a mommy of a soon to be pre-schooler. Sometimes it's hard to believe he was once small enough to fit in my belly. That was him.

Every now and then I have fleeting moments of clarity, and I just can't believe it. I can't believe this is my life. My husband. My children.

Feeling inspired

2009-11-11T14:41:00.000-05:00

On my last post I talked about how this time of year I always get nostalgic about the pregnancy with Mason and his birth.

This past weekend I felt inspired to create two more pieces of cesarean art:

"Exposed"

This expresses how I felt in the OR. Under the bright lights, unable to move or defend myself, I felt very vulnerable and exposed.

"Ghosts"
This one basically sums up the nostalgia I feel about the pregnancy and birth. It's an odd feeling... I no longer live in the same house or even the same town where we had Mason, but sometimes it feels like my ghost is still there, haunting, still happily and naively pregnant. And a ghost of Mason... waiting to be born.

Nostalgia

2009-11-03T22:44:00.000-05:00

Does anyone else get as nostalgic as I do about their first pregnancy?

I don't know why, but every fall/winter since I was pregnant with Mason is full of nostalgia for me. I fell pregnant with him in April of 2006, "due" on December 28th, 2006.

My first pregnancy.

That whole year was just... magical. I can honestly say that was the best year of my life to date. Not that it's not great now... it's just that was the start of our family. It's a very special time to me.

Jason and I were just starting our family. It was full of magic and wonder and excitement... all that cheesy stuff. It was all just perfect. Even that winter was mild and beautiful.

I loved being due during the holidays. I have always been a huge child when the holidays came around. I am guilty of always decorating way too early and unabashedly blaring Christmas music in the car. But that year was special. It was even more exciting. I will never forget it.

My first pregnancy.
My son.
My hopes and dreams.

Maybe that's why it's still so hard--even 3 years out and one HBAC later--to accept it all ended in the operating room.

I am not as nostalgic about the pregnancy with Hannah. Maybe it's because it was my second time going through it all. There is something magical about your first pregnancy.

Since the weather is getting colder, the days shorter, the nights clearer, I can't help but to get wildly nostalgic about it all. And a little melancholy about his birth. What could have been, should have been and what will never be. Something tells me this will never go away.

And this is how birth can change a woman.

Halloween '09

2009-11-01T20:10:00.001-05:00

Last Halloween, we went trick or treating at the mall by our house. Since it was in the evening last year, we didn't check when the trick or treating was this year. We just assumed that it would be later in the day.

Well, right before we left to go grocery shopping, I went to "double check" what time it was going to be, and saw that it had already occurred from 10am 'till noon. Who goes trick or treating after breakfast?

We frantically searched online for all the malls in the area--they all had their trick or treating at around noon. Thankfully, the mall about 2 hours away had it at 4-6pm. It also happened to be the mall near the house where my sister was dog sitting for her best friend that was away on her honeymoon.

Last minute, we decided to drive to the house and hang out with my sis and get the kids dressed there. It turned out to be a great time.

My sister's friend lives right by the beach, so we took a walk. It was gorgeous. It was pretty windy right by the water, and Hannah didn't like that too much, but Mason was having a blast.

We got the kids ready: Hannah was a pumkin and Mason was Link from Legend of Zelda. Mason's costume was pretty much handmade. He got lots of compliments on it.

Mason got tired of trick or treating fairly quickly. It was very crowded at the mall (we vow to go trick or treating outside next year. The mall thing sucks) and lots of the candy was already gone. Mason got a good amount for him--so we weren't disappointed.

This was taken at the dock today. Me and my Hannah. :)

The Rituals of American Hospital Birth

2009-10-27T12:40:00.012-04:00

While doing some research for the birth trauma article, I came across a very interesting article by Robbie E. Davis-Floyd, Ph.D, about the rituals of hospital birth in America, and the psychological effects it has on women (as well as the staff).

Many know first hand just how traumatic and violating a hospital birth can be. Doctors and other hospital staff attend births day in and day out--and can become desensitized in the process. Women sometimes feel they are treated as a mere compartment for a child to emerge from. Here are a few excerpts from the article that sum this up nicely:

The rising science of obstetrics ultimately accomplished this goal by adopting the model of the assembly-line production of goods as its template for hospital birth. Accordingly, a woman's reproductive tract came to be treated like a birthing machine by skilled technicians working under semiflexible timetables to meet production and quality control demands. As one fourth-year resident observed:

We shave 'em, we prep 'em, we hook 'em up to the IV and administer sedation. We deliver the baby, it goes to the nursery and the mother goes to her room. There's no room for niceties around here. We just move 'em right on through. It's hard not to see it like an assembly line.

The hospital itself is a highly sophisticated technocratic factory; the more technology the hospital has to offer, the better it is considered to be. Because it is an institution, the hospital constitutes a more significant social unit than an individual or a family. Therefore it can require that the birth process conform more to institutional than personal needs. As one resident explained,

There is a set, established routine for doing things, usually for the convenience of the doctors and the nurses, and the laboring woman is someone you work around, rather than with.

The most desirable end-product of the birth process is the new social member, the baby; the new mother is a secondary by-product. One obstetrician commented,

It was what we were all trained to always go after--the perfect baby. That's what we were trained to produce. The quality of the mother's experience--we rarely thought about that.

Many women report feeling a lack of control once they are in the hospital--I know I did.

Routine obstetric procedures are highly symbolic. For example, to be seated in a wheelchair upon entering the hospital, as many laboring women are, is to receive through their bodies the symbolic message that they are disabled; to then be put to bed is to receive the symbolic message that they are sick. Although no one pronounces, "You are disabled; you are sick," such graphic demonstrations of disability and illness can be far more powerful than words. One woman told me:

I can remember just almost being in tears by the way they would wheel you in. I would come into the hospital, on top of this, breathing, you know, all in control. And they slap you in a wheelchair! It made me suddenly feel like maybe I wasn't in control any more.

The intravenous drips commonly attached to the hands or arms of birthing women make a powerful symbolic statement: they are umbilical cords to the hospital. The cord connecting her body to the fluid-filled bottle places the woman in the same relation to the hospital as the baby in her womb is to her. By making her dependent on the institution for her life, the IV conveys to her one of the most profound messages of her initiation experience: in American society, we are all dependent on institutions for our lives. The message is even more compelling in her case, for she is the real giver of life. Society and its institutions cannot exist unless women give birth, yet the birthing woman in the hospital is shown, not that she gives life, but rather that the institution does.

The article talks about how women are repetitively being told--without words--that they are dependent on the hospital: the often awkward and exposing hospital gown, the ID bracelet, IV, the bed, etc.

The message that she is "defective" is also conveyed to her, that her body needs help to birth a baby.

She is also reminded in myriad ways of the potential defectiveness of her birthing machine. These include periodic and sometimes continuous electronic monitoring of that machine, frequent manual examinations of her cervix to make sure that it is dilating on schedule, and, if it isn't, administration of the synthetic hormone pitocin to speed up labor so that birth can take place within the required 26 hours. All three of these procedures convey the same messages over and over: time is important, you must produce on time, and you cannot do that without technological assistance because your machine is defective.
...Consider the visual and kinesthetic images that the laboring woman experiences--herself in bed, in a hospital gown, staring up at an IV pole, bag, and cord, and down at a steel bed and a huge belt encircling her waist. Her entire sensory field conveys one overwhelm-ing message about our culture's deepest values and beliefs: technology is supreme, and the individual is utterly dependent upon it.
...Internalizing the technocratic model, women come to accept the notion that the female body is inherently defective. This notion then shapes their perceptions of the labor experience, as exemplified by one woman's story:
It seemed as though my uterus had suddenly tired! When the nurses in attendance noted a contraction building on the recorder, they instructed me to begin pushing, not waiting for the urge to push, so that by the time the urge pervaded, I invariably had no strength remaining but was left gasping and dizzy....I felt suddenly depressed by the fact that labor, which had progressed so uneventfully up to this point, had now become unproductive.
Note that she does not say "The nurses had me pushing too soon," but "My uterus had tired," and labor had "become unproductive." These responses reflect her internalization of the technocratic tenet that when something goes wrong, it is her body's fault.

Many families seem comforted by hospital rituals. They welcome the interventions, feel safer with them and put more faith in the machines than their own bodies. Some women opt for elective cesarean sections or prefer them to vaginal birth because of the "control" factor, fear of the pain from a vaginal birth or countless other reasons. Others may find this hard to understand--a major surgery is not scary? How and why would anyone ever choose that over a vaginal birth--a natural process? The article explains this well, how people tend to conform to rituals--no matter how absurd it may seem--in times of stress.

When humans are subjected to extremes of stress and pain, they may become unreasonable and out of touch with reality. Ritual assuages this condition by giving people a conceptual handle-hold to keep them from "falling apart" or "losing it." When the airplane starts to falter, even passengers who don't go to church are likely to pray! Ritual mediates between cognition and chaos by making reality appear to conform to accepted cognitive categories. In other words, to perform a ritual in the face of chaos is to restore order to the world.
Labor subjects most women to extremes of pain, which are often intensified by the alien and often unsupportive hospital environment. They look to hospital rituals to relieve the distress resulting from their pain and fear. They utilize breathing rituals taught in hospital-sponsored childbirth education classes for cognitive stabilization. They turn to drugs for pain relief, and to the reassuring presence of medical technology for relief from fear. One woman expressed it this way:
I was terrified when my daughter was born. I just knew I was going to split open and bleed to death right there on the table, but she was coming so fast, they didn't have any time to do anything to me...I like Caesarean sections, because you don't have to be afraid.
When you come from within a belief system, its rituals will comfort and calm you. Accordingly, those women in my study who were in basic agreement with the technocratic model of birth before going into the hospital (70%) expressed general satisfaction with their hospital births.

The institution that is the hospital is overwhelming. If women who want to birth there, who find a hospital birth inviting or optimal give themselves over in such a huge way upon arrival--imagine what it does to women that don't feel that way.

Unfortunately, many of us know that all too well.

Busy

2009-10-26T21:52:00.000-04:00

For the past week I have been working on an article on birth trauma for the AIMS journal (Association for Improvements in Maternity Services). It is a publication based in the UK. The editor contacted me and of course I agreed. I hope to have it totally finished for tomorrow.

Of course when it's published I will post a link!

Sad news

2009-10-20T19:05:00.001-04:00

I just found out tonight that a very good old friend of mine is dying from liver cancer. She is 34 years old. She has a young son, who is 13. I am heartbroken. I can't even imagine what she and her family are going through.

We used to work together back when I lived in New York. We were instant friends. She was by far the sweetest, kindest person I had ever had the pleasure of meeting - to this date. She was always willing to lend a hand, an ear, or a shoulder.

She loves her son so much - he is her world. When we were together she would constantly talk about him. Then, thinking I was 5 years younger than her and childless, she would say,"I'm sorry I talk about him all the time. You are probably sick of it". I told her "No" every time. And I wasn't. I never had a mother who was very close to me, and seeing the love and close relationship she had with her son was amazing to witness. It was the type of relationship I knew wanted with my future children.

After working with her for two years, I yet again moved away. We kept in contact by phone and email for a while. We were still in touch up until about a year and a half ago. Then, life just happened. It got busier, moving again, pregnant again, raising two kids.. and I am sure it was busy for her as well.

After her diagnosis two months ago, she and her son moved from Connecticut and in with her parents in Oklahoma. She wants to die there. She knows her son will be okay there.

So, here I sit with a phone number. I want to call, but I'm afraid. My friend who told me the news says when she tries to call, she is often too sick to talk. I don't know what to do. I want to talk to her, say good bye, but the phone just seems so.. cold and distant. I want to be there in person. I don't know what to say over the phone. What do I do? I want to say good bye..

To Whom it May Concern

2009-10-19T14:05:00.007-04:00

This was a response to someone who emailed me about my site today. This person, like many before them, insisted that my site was nothing but "negativity", making people feel victimized, we (those who feel the same way I do) are not good role models for our children, full of useless information... just to name a few.

I responded. Consider this an open letter to those who agree with said person above:

To Whom it May Concern,

My site isn't about feeling negativity. It's about HEALING. Part of
healing and working through problems is talking to others, getting
those feelings out through means of expression. This site is dedicated
to these women, and men. We are not here to please anybody else, to
fit into anyone's neat, pretty package of how we should deal with
trauma and disappointment. And this DOES make people feel better. I
receive emails from both men and women often, about how this
has made them work through their grief, or have even started or joined
organizations. In fact, those emails far outnumber emails like yours.

My life is nothing like this site. I am not sitting there, hair in my
face, depressed and moping around through life. Though I am very proud
of my site and it means a lot to me and others, it is merely a
fragment of who I am. Same with many others that posted their stories.

I am not fueling those who feel victimized. I, as well as others like
me, are proactive in the birth community. I am heading a campaign in
my state, advocating to change the appalling state of maternity care.
I know of many others who are also members of other various
organizations. We are not helpless victims - we are fighting back. I
would call this "positive thinking" as you called it - wouldn't you?

Of course we sound angry. Many of us were lied to, coerced or even
forced to have cesareans. Then told it was "no big deal". Not to
mention the treatment some received was nothing short of disgusting
and infuriating. You wonder why we are angry?

It's wrong that some can talk positively about their cesareans, or
even gush about them, but as soon as someone shows any negativity -
it's "selfish" and we need to stop being so negative. Why? Does it make
some uncomfortable? It's sad that other women - even ones who feel
their traumatic birth was a direct result of doctor or staff - feel
divided and tell us that we need to shut up. We need to just take it
and move on. We never allow anyone to take advantage of us, lie to us
or violate us in other parts of our lives, nor would we expect someone
to just drop it, yet it's suddenly different when it comes to birth.

My site opens people's eyes. I wish I had come across something like
it when I was pregnant with my first child. No one likes to talk
about the current state of obstetrics, the sky high cesarean and
induction rates, rising maternal mortality rates... but people are
starting to, and hopefully the tide will change soon.

I am a good role model for my children. I am showing them you don't
just sit back and take abuse. You don't just let people lie to you. I
show them to always ask questions. Never just accept something because
everyone thinks you should. I show them to not be afraid to express
their feelings. Ever. That's what this site is about too.

Though you don't agree with me and what I am about, I am glad that my
site made you react. That's what I want. Why sugarcoat it? It
happened. It's out there. It's real. Like it or not.

Sincerely,

Me and Many Others Like Me

The C - Section Backlash

2009-10-17T20:36:00.000-04:00

The Daily Beast c-section article I was interviewed for is finally up. I think it's a great article. It talks about fighting for VBAC's, as is the recent case with Joy Szabo , and the emotional toll c-sections can take on women.

You can find the full article here.

Birth Advocates Training

2009-10-16T09:56:00.000-04:00

Suzanne Arms of the non-profit organization Birthing the Future is holding birth advocates training at Laurel Springs Retreat Center in Santa Barbara, CA next month. Vanessa Simons and Brenda Korbecki are selected to attend, but they need your sponsorship.

Let's help them make their goal!

Birth Trauma is real

2009-10-11T20:31:00.002-04:00

A while back I wrote about how women who have had wedding day disasters are given more sympathy (not to mention numerous TV appearances) than women who have suffered a traumatic birth. Why? Why is it taboo to talk about being upset and/or traumatized about your birth experience?

If the wedding was a disaster, be it a torn dress or a medical emergency, does everyone tell the newlywed to just be thankful they are married? After all, even though they planned the wedding for months, invested lots of time and money into it and were anticipating it, they got the end result they wished to achieve - marriage. There should be no reason to dwell on any upsetting or traumatic events. After all, it's just a means to an end. The moment they got married would - and should - erase any prior upsetting events. Right? I doubt it. So why are women who share with others their feelings about disappointing or traumatic births told they should just "be thankful"? Why are they told that the process of birth doesn't matter, it's just a means to an end? Is it because they have the healthy baby?

Ah, yes. That's it. The healthy baby.

Women who have had traumatic births (and I am not just talking c-sections here) have heard this line countless times. Having had a traumatic birth myself, I am often told how selfish I am. I've been called childish, cold, ignorant, sad, ridiculous, crazy... the list is long.

Why have we been told that a healthy baby is all that matters? Is it really all that matters? Does the mother not matter?

If you think mothers don't matter - tell that to the newborn baby. The baby that has a mother unable to breastfeed due to complications from surgery, or depressed and traumatized about her birth and it affects her mothering, a baby whose mother who has been separated from them for hours after surgery or a baby who is the NICU attached to machines all day long and unable to breastfeed, to be held by their mother, unable to start the bonding process, or a baby whose mother dies giving birth.

Oh, but that's when mothers matter? After we are no longer here? Death is the magic line we draw in the sand for when mothers finally start to matter.

When someone survives a horrible car accident, where other people die, how do we treat them and their trauma? When they need to work through the trauma of the accident, and survivors guilt, do we say to them,"all that matters is you are alive. You should be thankful." Or throw in a few anecdotes: "I know someone who lost their daughter/son in a car accident, you should quit being so selfish and just be happy you are here". How dismissive it that?

Those suffering from birth trauma hear those words often.

Of course the car accident survivors are thankful they are alive. That doesn't need to be said. They have lived through trauma and it's only natural and healthy that they begin to work through it. It's normal for this event to be significant and shape the rest of their life.

Why is birth trauma any different?

If I am not being told I should shut up and be thankful for my healthy baby, I am getting anecdotes about how someone's baby died or is severely handicapped, so how dare I express my feelings about my birth experience. Just because a woman has a live or healthy baby (and many traumatic births aren't necessarily life and death emergencies to begin with) doesn't mean she isn't thankful. The birth experience and the baby are two separate things. Hating a birth experience is not hating your baby. It's the process of how that baby got here. And in this day and age, many of the interventions and protocols involved in birth are in and of themselves traumatizing, not to mention unnecessary.

Birth is an important event in a womans' life. It is a transforming experience - good or bad. It can be amazingly powerful, peaceful and blissful, but it can also be violating, terrifying, and demeaning. Because they survived, or their baby survived, doesn't make it any less traumatic for them. Trauma is relative and is not black and white. To say to someone who has had a traumatic birth that she just needs to be thankful for a live baby is damaging and dismissive, maybe it makes you look like the childish, cold, ignorant, sad, ridiculous, and crazy one.

Checking in

2009-10-09T23:18:00.002-04:00

First of all - what the hell happened to summer? The leaves are falling off of the trees. I love autumn (favorite time of year) but I can't believe It's getting colder already. I love the holidays, but I am in shock that they are already headed our way again. It feels like just yesterday I was pregnant with Hannah and we were taking Mason Trick or Treating for the first time.

I have not been blogging very much lately. I have been spending most of my time on BirthCut and CT Worst to First. And Twitter, my new addiction.

Not much else going on in my neck of the woods. Damn, is my life that boring? It sure as hell doesn't seem like it day to day when I am flat out exhausted by sundown - or right after the high from my umpteenth cup of coffee wears off.

Dammit, something exciting happen to me already!

I haven't blogged about it yet, but Jason has been creating his own software, and hopes to start his own business. He is in the final stages - we are both getting really excited and a little hopeful about it. Sometimes I am blown away at how intelligent and driven he is. He made his own software sitting at our kitchen table, working into the wee hours and still got up at night to help me with Hannah. I love that man.

As for Worst to First, we weren't too happy with the meeting attendance. Our next meeting is scheduled for November - hopefully we will have more of a following then. We are quickly finding out that birth advocacy in CT sucks. We are actually thinking about switching gears and making this more of a national campaign at the start. The Executive Director of NARAL Connecticut is very interested in working with us. We are thinking of maybe going more of a womens' right angle. Since NARAL advocates for a womans' right to choose, we feel maternity care will fit nicely into that.

The article I was interviewed for won't be out for a little while longer. The editor wanted her to add more to it - how the birth trauma support groups are growing in number. She will be calling me in the next day or two to talk a little more. I really can't wait to read it though.

Well, for now, that's all folks.

Time flies when you're getting old

2009-09-28T08:01:00.010-04:00

My birthday was September 25th. My 29th birthday.

Just typing those words is surreal. I feel so young. I guess that's a good thing though. I feel too immature and asshole-ish to be 29 years old. But I am.

It was a great Birthday weekend. Jason called out on Friday, so we had a nice 3 day mini vacation. On Friday we went to The Olive Garden for an early lunch, then we headed down to Greenwich and spent the day there.

Thanks to Yo Gabba Gabba's recent Cool Tricks segment, every time Mason eats with a spoon, he just has to balanced it on his nose.

look at Hannah's face!

On Saturday, Angel came over to babysit both Hannah and Mason while Jason and I went out to dinner. We went to our favorite place, Thataway Cafe in Greenwich, of course (we should just pitch a tent there). I actually enjoyed an alcoholic beverage with dinner - one that left me feeling a little nauseous the next day. I just had one. Gosh, I really am getting old.

It was a great weekend. Too bad it's Monday.

The Safe Motherhood Quilt Project

2009-09-23T14:50:00.004-04:00

I am sitting here reading every single piece of virtual quilt from the site Safe Motherhood Quilt Project. It is tragic and infuriating at the same time.

There are many deaths that were unpreventable, and of course horrific... but I am coming across many preventable deaths too. The ones from induction (both Cytotec and Pitocin), cesarean section (both during and after surgery) epidurals.... the list is long.

These poor women, their babies, their families.... I cannot even fathom it. These women and their families were anticipating the birth of their child, full of hope and joy.

Then this happens.

If the United States has the best medical care money can buy, why are we still ranked behind at least 40 other nations when it comes to maternal mortality? It doesn't make sense... or does it?

In 1982, the maternal mortality rate in the United States was 7.5 per 100,000, in 1990 it was 8.2 per 100,000, in 2003 it was 12.1 per 100,000, and in 2005 it was 15.1 per 100,000, meanwhile the number of cesarean sections is now at 31.8%, induction of labor has more than doubled since 1990.

Some women have little or no access to prenatal care, thus missing conditions that could have otherwise been treated.

I urge you to visit Safe Motherhood Quilt Project today. Read their heartbreaking, tragic and infuriating stories, and see how you can help this cause.

Yet another blog!

2009-09-21T11:55:00.004-04:00

Check out The Mommy Diaries. Danielle and I , as well as a few other mommies will be contributing to this blog. We will write about life as a wife, momma and friend. We will share recipes, vents, ideas, you name it, we will write about it.

Hope you will drop by!

http://momsville.wordpress.com

Day Trippers

2009-09-14T20:01:00.006-04:00

Before kids, Jason and I used to be pretty spontaneous - as in suddenly drop everything and move 3000 miles away. Numerous times. It was a blast, but since we had kids, we have become pretty tame.

Yesterday was the first day we have done anything even remotely spontaneous in about 3 years. We woke up, and decided we were going to take the kids down to the city to visit the Central Park Zoo. Part of me was thinking, "oh shit... 2 young kids down in the city... no double stroller... insane crowds... no baby carrier for Hannah... and all this on no sleep.... ".

But we didn't think - we just went with it. We just stopped at Babies R Us on the way, and bought a double stroller. Jason put it together at a rest stop, and then we drove down into the city. Jason found us a parking spot within 10 minutes (that's always a pretty entertaining challenge), and we whipped out that double stroller and we were on our way.

Let me just tell you how AWESOME that double stroller is. I had no idea. Why did we wait so long to purchase one? Something as simple as this SUV of a stroller cut down our stress by, like, 99.5%. I LOVE that stroller. It was the best $200 we ever spent. Everything, the kids, diapers, snacks, blankets, everything goes into that one stroller. It's just one less thing to worry about. Mason loved it too, he barely wanted to leave it. Not to mention it was just so damn cute to see them sitting together like that.

Mason loves the city. He wouldn't sit back in the stroller. He sat up the whole time, looking at all the people, cars, the tall buildings... I think he is a city person too. Jason is even more keen on buying or renting in the city some time in the future. I keep telling him he would have to make us very rich first. If we were to ever live in Manhattan, we better have some money left over after paying the rent or mortgage. A lot left over. If he can figure something out, then the city it is.

We stopped at Central Park for a while. Jason and Mason played catch for a while, Hannah and I watched and just hung out on the blanket in the shade. It was perfect.

Then it was off to the zoo.

Hannah is still pretty young for things like this, but Mason was all over it. He didn't really care for the main zoo as much, but he really loved the Children's Zoo. Instead of polar bears and penguins, Mason preferred the petting zoo full of goats, sheep, pigs and this one huge cow. He really loved that cow.

It was a blast. Everything went perfectly. No meltdowns, tantrums... nothing. It was just a perfect day.

At the park......

(Did I tell you how much I love this stroller?)

He was Guardian of the Stroller.

Playing catch.

At the zoo....

Hey strangers

2009-09-11T21:26:00.004-04:00

I have been neglecting my blog lately. But I have a good excuse: I have been pretty busy lately.

If I am not chasing down Mason and with Hannah on my hip, I am on the computer working on the Worst to First site, or researching and writing birth topics, or working on Adobe Illustrator, or contacting hospitals, or networking, or cleaning, or shopping or... well, you get the idea.

I will be back!

The Connecticut Worst to First blog is now up and running

2009-09-06T08:38:00.003-04:00

http://www.ctworsttofirst.blogspot.com/

Stop by and support our cause!

Birth After Cesarean

Closing in on 1 month

Postpartum sucks

Ethan's birth story

Here he is!

It's a boy!!!

Tomorrow

38 weeks and update on c-section birth plan

37 weeks(!?!)

36 week appointment

36 weeks -- 21 more days to go!

35 weeks

34 weeks

33 weeks

OBGYN consultation

32 weeks

31 weeks

30 weeks

C-section scheduled!

More tests and final decision on mode of birth

Ultrasound update

2 hour glucose test: check

29 weeks

More crap

Third time is not a charm

Birth to be

I can't believe she's 2

Weeks 24-27

23 weeks

21 & 22 weeks

20 weeks--halfway there!

19 weeks

18 weeks and ultrasound!

My friend had her baby!

16 and 17 weeks

15 weeks

14 weeks! 2nd Trimester!

13 weeks

12 weeks

11 weeks

This birth

10 weeks

Boy or Girl?

9 weeks

8 weeks

1st Trimester = Hell

Some belly pics

I'm back, and I have some big news!

Firsts *UPDATE*

Fall in New England

The way we were

Open slate

A day at the orchard

mothering.com, you suck

Plans and change

Back to school

Baby fever

10 years

The Demont family run-down

Becoming city people(?)

Where I stand now

Fourth of July weekend

Rediscovering the cook in me

SAHM worth $15/hr

My Hannah

This stay-at-home mom is going back to work

The joys of home ownership

Coffee break

Three? Or not to three?

Suburbacide

Mrs.

This night, one year ago

Yup. Still here

Choice

Blogger burnout

I'm still here

Q & A with the artist from cesarean-art.com

What to do next time--if there is a "next time".

Where have I been?

Cesarean sections: The gift that keeps on giving?

Firsts UPDATE