This birth

Yesterday I had a prenatal appointment at the birth center. It was to be the first appointment to try and hear the heartbeat with the doppler. Since this is my 3rd pregnancy and having experienced no prior miscarriages, I automatically assumed it would be a disaster - the midwife wouldn't be able to find the heartbeat and I would need a D&C. I guess I was a little nervous.

When I got there, I did the typical pee-in-a-cup and step-on-a-scale, and then the midwife called me into her office. She told me she needed to talk to me about my chart. She explained that the obstetricians they work with (or as she called it, "run the show") looked over my history - cesarean for FTP followed by homebirth with a 4 min. shoulder dystocia - and said they would not allow me to birth at the birth center. I told her I was totally fine with that. I had no desire to birth at the birth center anyway. Hospital, please.

She also went over a diet plan with me that she wants me to follow - one that cuts back on the carbs. I admitted to being a carb addict, and I do not want to try to push out a 10 lb baby this time. I think it'll be a good lifestyle change anyway. Once I start to feel better, I plan to start working out again too, so hopefully this will be my fittest pregnancy yet.

I told her I am glad she brought this up, because the birth has been on my mind a lot. We fell pregnant much sooner than planned, so I just wasn't ready to deal with the all the emotions involved in planning another birth. Jason feels the same way. He still has a hard time talking about Hannah's birth, and he is nervous about this one.

This time around, the last time around, I am not putting so much stock in hoping for a "perfect" birth. I just don't care this time. I just care for a healthy mom and baby. The basics. I just want this birth to not be so traumatic for all involved. That's it. I am not worried about ending in a cesarean either. In fact, I considered scheduling a cesarean this time.  After some thought and discussion with Jason, I decided against it, but if there was an issue I would schedule one in a heartbeat. I can't even tell you have relieved I am that I don't have all this pressure on me to have this "perfect" and "empowering" birth this time. It feels amazing. I am actually looking forward to going to the hospital this time. I am relieved to know that there will be pain medication readily available, as well as a NICU, an OR, and all other emergency services that hospitals provide.

After this discussion with the midwife, we went back into the examination room. I laid down on the exam bed, and she took out the doppler. She was searching for the heartbeat for what seemed like forever. I was starting to get nervous. I remember thinking this is how all those horrible stories begin.

She took me into the ultrasound room, and there was my baby. Dancing around, kicking its' little legs, and that beautiful heart beating away. I was just glad to see the baby was okay. Talk about breathing a huge sigh of relief.  She told me that I have an anterior placenta and retroflexed uterus, which explains why we couldn't get the fetal heartbeat.  I never had an anterior placenta before, so I am curious to see how much it will affect feeling fetal movement. I took a little video of the ultrasound with my phone. I showed Jason when he got home from work. I love it. I have already watched it about a dozen times.

Jason and I have decided to not find out the sex with this baby. I know we said the same when I was pregnant with Hannah, but this time I think we're really going to do it. We already have one of each, have everything for both sexes, we have no preference, and this is our last child. I always wanted to know what it would be like to find out the sex at birth, and this will be my last chance. I think it will make waiting for birth even more exciting.

Phew. That took a lot of energy to write. This pregnancy has been tough so far - so much more tiring than the other two. I am 11 weeks, so hopefully this unrelenting nausea and fatigue will let up soon. And then it will be goodbye forever, horrid 1st trimester. Good riddance.