I was never one who felt "one with my body", or into childbirth/pregnancy in any way, shape, or form. I knew I wanted children one day, and that was all.
When I did get pregnant, birth was not on my mind other than the typical,"Oh my god! Will this hurt?!?" of the first time mom-to-be. I did want to attempt to go med-free, mostly due to not liking to take any drugs (I don't even like to take Tylenol), and yeah, a little bit of the "I want to see if I can do this" mentality. I wasn't into the natural birth community, didn't want to read The Women's Thinking Guide, wasn't into the "woo" aspect of birth, and I thought homebirths were for hippies (just the thought scared the crap out of me).
As you probably know, I agreed to an induction at barely 41 weeks. Though a part of me really wanted to wait until I went into labor on my own, a bigger part was done being pregnant, and I wanted to meet my son. That induction turned into a CPD/FTP cesarean (you can read the birth story here), which scared the crap out of me.
Then came my website, ICAN, this blog, and various other advocacy stints. I was enveloped in everything birth related -- just peruse through this blog, and you'll see. I TTC my second child, got pregnant (finally), and planned a HBAC. The HBAC went fine, until the end, when there was a 4 minute shoulder dystocia (story here). Though the birth was extremely painful and traumatic, I went on with birth and homebirth advocacy.
But, this time, it just didn't feel right.
This is where I am now. I no longer feel that passion I once felt for birth. This is probably for a few reasons:
Some days I do want a third child, and some days I don't. Jason definitely doesn't want anymore, so, unless there is an "oops!", we are done. I feel I have been stuck in a pregnancy/TTC/birth rut for over 4 years now. It's time to move on. It's time for that next chapter of life. It's time to get back to being me, sans pregnancy or birth. I feel a pull in an other direction of life, and though I may pursue something to do with childbirth or fertility in the future, it isn't here or now.
A while after the HBAC, I remember thinking,"I can't believe I had a homebirth. This is just not me... ". I was sucked into this mentality that hospitals suck, you can have a better birth if you just really try for it, and it's only attainable med free and at home. The homebirth opened my eyes to birth, how it is in reality, not how we want or hope it to be. It made me realize that much of the "birthing goddess" mentality is arrogant, and in some countries, such as this one, many are privledged with healthier bodies and access to great medical care. It's not usually about life and death, and when it is, it's rare enough to make headlines. I felt silly. I realized there was no control. It was my body doing something, and I was hoping it would end up okay. I "trusted birth", and envisioned a peaceful HBAC with all my might. But it didn't happen. Life happened. And you have no control over that, no matter how hard you believe or "trust".
I have always heard that women who have lost babies during birth, especially VBAC or homebirth, felt ostracized by the natural birth community afterwards, both in real life and on the internet. Even though I thankfully didn't lose my baby, I still found that when I told my story, or was just very honest about my homebirth experience, I was being told that my positions in labor, my midwife, or even my fear, caused the shoulder dystocia. I was being blamed; I didn't "trust birth enough". One woman told me that shoulder dystocia doesn't happen in undisturbed birth (like, say, an unassisted birth), that there is no such thing when a woman births alone. Shoulder dystocia (as well as other complications) just happens when there is a midwife meddling about, or if you fear something. She "knows this" because all the unassisted birth stories she's ever read or seen on YouTube support her claim. One told me that any papers on the evolution of human birth were conspiracies, both obstericians and anthroplogists working together to explain the need for the high cesarean rate. No, I am not kidding. These are the views of the extremist, and it is just as dangerous as the highly medicalized side of the spectrum.
There probably are a few more reasons, but you get my point.
My website, BirthCut, will always be there though. I will always be there to support mothers and fathers with their cesarean and VBAC birth experiences. I will always be there to support anyone who suffers from a traumatic birth. Always. But I am not an outspoken VBAC or homebirth or natural birth advocate anymore. Two years ago I wouldn't believe that I would write these words; But I am. It's the truth. You want a homebirth? Great. A hospital birth? Awesome. A repeat cesarean? Perfect. An epidural? Nice. Whatever works for you. I am not here to tell you what's better, or who is the better mother, woman, parent,(fill in the blank here) for doing it this way or that way.
I will probably change the title of this blog, too. I just have no idea to what though. This blog will be about me and my family, thoughts, whatever. I will most likely lose some readers -- if not all -- since that is who reads my blog. But it's okay.
I guess I came full circle. It was just a journey that I needed to take. I did learn a lot, but now I do feel like me again, and it feels awesome.
And to get everything out in the open, if I were ever blessed with a third child, I wouldn't have another homebirth. It would be in the hospital. Maybe with an OBGYN. And I would be looking forward to that epidural.
Scars of Beauty (Anonymous)
11 hours ago
37 comments:
The idea that SD won't happen if you do the right things (get rid of fear, have an undisturbed birth, whatever) is totally ridiculous. I've come across that several times myself, often in the unassisted birth community. It's just one of those sucky things that happens at birth and sure, it probably helps somewhat to be mobile and upright (or whatever) but it won't prevent it from happening.
Beautiful. Though my excitement and love for birth has never changed I have come to peace with peoples opinions and choices. Being an extremest is just as unsafe (maybe more) as being completely uninformed. We should be supportive of women and their experiences no matter what they are.
Good luck on your journey. There is nothing wrong with closing the chapter on childbirth, maybe you learned all you needed to know.
You are right, it is a journey and I think that we all have a different journey to take.
I think that being extreme about any thinking can be dangerous and I am sorry that people have tried to tell you it was somehow your fault you had SD. That is just something that happens sometimes.
While I trust birth, I also know it is unpredictable. I trust life and it is unpredictable too.
I have always supported moms in any birth choice they make, I hope they make an educated decision using the power of intuition they have, but in the end, they have to choose and my place is to support.
I wish you luck on wherever your journey leads you and thanks for sharing where you stand now.
Thanks so much for writing. Your points are really good, and I really respect your point of view! It's good perspective for me, because sometimes I elevate birth to a higher level of position than it merits. Respecting different perspectives is so important.
I too have a bit of an issue with the "trust birth" mentality. I can't say that I really "trust birth" in the way that is meant. Instead, I "respect birth" - I know that it's a natural process that goes best without interference, BUT things can go wrong and do sometimes go wrong. A blind belief that birth is always safe can be really dangerous.
Thanks for your blog! I have enjoyed reading it over the past year and have learned a lot. Best wishes!!
I know what you mean. I think that is how I am starting to feel too, especially after my post last week about REAL birth advocates and how they are often mixed in with those extremist nuts you mentioned.
You didn't do anything wrong, you didn't cause any problems, and you most certainly know better than to believe the nonsense those kind of women spout off.
I love you whether you are involved in the birth community, or not. I will still be here to chat, and hang out (when I get a damn car again... LONG STORY)
Hi there from "the other" SD mom. Remember, SD is a bony impaction: not a moral failing. :-)
I heard a new one about the macrosomic infant/shoulder dystocia combination: your body allegedly won't grow a baby too big for you to give birth to if you're not eating conventional dairy products with all of those growth hormones. Seriously.
The more I see, the more I become an advocate of childbirth practices that respect nature but do not trust it. I don't trust birth, but I trust women to love their babies and to make choices that work best for them and their lives.
Good luck with the new chapter in your life! I'm sure that you'll meet whatever comes in your path with strength and grace.
You could just create another blog all together under your same profile here on blogger. I have three different blogs on here.
beautifully said - with heart. I know that I have shifted so much in the last 16 years sine the birth of my daughter, my midwifery training and my work as a midwife. nothing is black and white, nothing is "good" or "bad". I cannot even get upset at women for choosing to bottle feed or have elective cesareans.
just like hating our bodies because of messages that are pushed on us, I feel there is too much cultural pressure/conditioning/trauma to seriously think that we're all on the same path.
Being a member of the natural birth community, it is hard to know what to say to those moms who don't get the wonderful births they hoped for and worked towards. I can see how it could be easy to become disillusioned and feel like you've missed out on something. Well, we all have our regrets. You're certainly entitled to yours. I guess the sad truth is not everyone can have the birth they want. It's certainly not going to stop me from supporting natural birth. Because it really can be wonderful. But you've got to move on, you've got years with your kids and while a beautiful birth experience can help pave the way for a great relationship with your kids, it certainly is not the most important part of it. Best of luck to you in all your future en devours! Enjoy those babies, they grow up so fast...
I don't really consider myself part of the "community" although I read blogs sometimes and I had two homebirths. I feel bad that some women feel intimidated by my experience because it is viewed as the holy grail. I don't wish to influence anyone's decision, unless that influence is to go with her gut. For me, homebirth is part of who I am and how I do things. I knew I wouldn't be comfortable in a hospital, that's all.
Even I felt guilt over my first birth because of a few things that went "wrong," like when it just dragged on and on and the midwife said I had to make my contractions "productive" instead of fighting them. And then there was the bad feeling between me and the midwife, that maybe I should have picked a better one and not been so worried about cost. And my baby was congested for a long time after the waterbirth and I always felt like maybe she wasn't supposed to be born in water afterall. It's all very confusing and ultimately we just don't have that much control. It took years and another homebirth to realize that. The second one was equally painful and I was equally fight-y and it happened to last half the time. I do not enjoy giving birth at all and I'm done too. It's refreshing to see someone like you speak very frankly about this subject. My very close sister has chosen a hospital setting for her upcoming birth and I couldn't be happier for her, because I know it is the way she does things and it will be the most comfortable place for her.
I can decide what part of this post I relate the most to. I also planned a wonderful, blissed out HBAC that turned out not to be so wonderful & blissful after all. I also feel ostracized from the natural birth community (my HBAC turned to a hospital VBAC with epidural). I also felt after my HBAC attempt that the whole homebirth thing just wasn't quite *me*, and I have a feeling that is part of the reason I ended up in the hospital. I would however plan a homebirth again (I didn't just arrive at the hospital, get that epidural, and then just cruise to that wonderful, blissed out VBAC. Oh no I didn't.).
Good luck on the next part of your journey. You have a lot of passion, and I'm sure it will be well applied to the next phase of your life.
I don't trust birth; I trust women to know what's best for them.
I think experiences like yours are not "outside" the story that needs to be told. I think they are *part* of it, a really important part.
When there are only extremes, when you can only either lie down and lose control of everything that is done to you, or else birth alone at home without the help you need, then women are not winning. Winning would be when women are assured enough of being respected and cared for that the hospital, birth center, or home would be neutral choices, not purity tests or desperate acts of rebellion.
And it is really, really easy for women caught up in trying to heal from c/s to hook onto VBAC as a way of fixing things, which it really can't be. I've had to speak up a few times on my ICAN list about that--some women are not going to get or need a VBAC, and that's not what the focus should be.
I do understand about being burnt out on the whole issue; am there myself in many ways. I keep it on my radar as part of my fight for choice and women's rights, nowadays, more than as part of my own experience all the time.
All the best to you.
I had experiences similar to yours, first a c section then a hbac with SD,only tat I did not go to the hospital and refused stitches for my 3rd degree tear, i wanted everybody to go away and leave me alone with my baby.
I am not done having babies, so I still hold the 'birth cause' close, but in a few years I will probably move on and let the 'newer generations' take over. There is only so much we can contribute anyway!
Planning my fourth birth. I've come full circle and am not at all the passionate VBAC, homebirth, natural birth advocate I was before. I wanted to believe the "if you just try hard enough you'll get the perfect birth" mentality. But that's not how it worked out because that's not how it works. I still ended up with a second cesarean. Then I felt shunned by all those who wanted to stay in that birth mentality bubble. We can't control birth. When this baby gets here I just want us both to be alive, preferably healthy.
Your courage is inspiring; your openness frank and humble. I am a founding member of a new organization in Montreal, VBAC-info. Along the way, we have realized that this organization's mandate is not to "promote" VBAC or even "encourage" it, but to provide information and support for women's (couple's) choices... That is to say, not what I or we think is right, but what is right for each woman and each of her pregnancies/labours/births.
It is important to continue to be challenged. Thanks for sharing this reflection with us.
Thank you for this post, Michelle. It's hard to say these things "out loud" sometimes. I understand. I'm scared of birth too. In fact, people in my life have suggested that it might be the reason I'm having trouble getting pregnant. I don't necessarily "trust birth" - I just know that I trust myself to make better decisions when I'm armed with information.
I've always been sorry that you didn't get the "perfect" homebirth you wanted. And it really pisses me off that anyone in the homebirth community would think that your story doesn't deserve telling. It DOES. I have always considered your story to be that of a successful HBAC with a skilled midwife who did something that many OB's probably would not have known how to do. I try to see the good in your story, rather than the parts that kept it from being perfect. I try to do this with cesarean birth stories now too. What was the positive? Did the mother feel like she had a say? Did she feel supported? Was there a good outcome? That, to me, is what qualifies as a "good birth" these days. I no longer aspire to some "orgasmic" birth. I just want one that is non-traumatic, and keeps us both healthy. I still believe there is a higher chance of that with certain providers rather than others, but that's a decision for the mother to make on her own.
I'm glad you're finding some peace with your journey now. Just remember that without your site, I may not have had my VBAC, and I know that would have been devastating for me. You've helped a lot of women avoid the ax that forgets them.
Thank you for your post and for having the courage to share your thoughts. I think you are correct in your assessments. It's just so unacceptable to blame women for the events of their births. I especially appreciate your comments on the extreme disparities in health and medical resources with which women must contend. In my community, I worry that we don't grapple with these issues nearly enough and they are BIG issues. I wish you the very best in whatever you do next. So exciting to contemplate, no? Look forward and enjoy it!!!!
Michele you ended your blog with this statement:
"And to get everything out in the open, if I were ever blessed with a third child, I wouldn't have another homebirth. It would be in the hospital. Maybe with an OBGYN. And I would be looking forward to that epidural."
If you feel up to answering....How do you feel a hospital birth could have changed the outcome of your Shoulder Dystocia?
Lisa,
I don't think giving birth in the hospital would have changed much, if anything, about the SD.
But I have done both now -- hospital and homebirth. The luxury of staying home to labor and birth, my rules, food, familiar surrounding and people, etc. were definite positives of having a homebirth, but, I feel safer in the hospital. After being *this close* to disaster, I won't take another chance.
I really appreciate your open and honest sharing. I have been following your blog for two years now, after the birth of my first son be cesarean. My second son was born by vbac in November, and since then I have experienced a peace with birth. I hope that you have found a peace as well and that being partly why you are in a place where you can re focus on other areas of your life. I will always appreciate how your blog and birth cut stories have helped validate my experience, which helped begin the healing process during a time in my life when I felt so confused, sad, and angry. I also rejoiced with you when you became pregnant with Hannah and gave birth to her. I will continue to follow to see where life takes you next! Good luck!
Thank you for your response Michele. Yes some people just do feel safer in the hospital. My previous career was as an L&D nurse & my journey is taking me in the opposite direction as you at this moment in time:-). It is so true that our lives are very fluid and our experiences help to determine what direction we go in next.
I appreciate your acknowledgement that little if anything could have been done differently if your SD had happened at the hospital and I also appreciate you sharing your story about how we can all be more supportive of each other as women, birthers, mothers & people.
PTSD?
Erin,
Are you asking if I have PTSD? Because my views have changed? Because I have learned a few things?
Thanks for writing this incredibly candid post. I'll look forward to your new direction.
No, I'm asking because you had a traumatic birth experience. What have you learned? I didn't read anything in this blog entry about anything you've learned, only that you have changed your views.
Michele, I went opposite direction after my SD, I am more convinced about homebirth than ever. I know 3 women (one close friend among them) whose babies had SD in the hospital and the 3 babies have permanent damage in their shoulders because of the standard OB management of SD. SD is one of those unlucky and really scary always traumatic event, but I feel so so lucky that my SD happened at home! My worst fear for my next birth is that I could have SD in te hospital, it totally terrifies me and I know I will eventually have to work through that fear.
Erin,
I have learned a lot about myself, and others. I have learned a lot about birth.
If one comes to the conclusion that personal growth or change of heart or direction is 'PTSD', then so be it.
Michelle, you and I both know that "personal growth or change of heart or direction" does not equal PTSD so I wonder why you posted that comment? Telling? Regardless, it was just something to consider. I'm no expert but you had a traumatic birth by your own admission and now you are coming forth with some statements that are significantly out of the ordinary for you so it was worth a mention of consideration. Best of luck with your future endeavors.
Erin, I don't know if you understood my sarcasm or not, but all I was saying in that comment was I don't care what you think.
Best of luck to you, too.
No, I didn't get the sarcasm. But reading your last reply does clear some things up. There was obviously some truth to my suggestion but you aren't open minded enough to openly consider it even if it did strike a cord somewhere inside. I'm not going to coddle you like those that chose to reply did. There are a lot of people reading that are thinking what I wrote. If you think everything is honky dory then grand. But it's a very thin veil. Your words here don't fit. I really do hope that you find peace one day.
Oh please, Erin. You're calling ME close-minded, and you're the one stuck on this whole "PTSD" thing that you have diagnosed me with over the internet. I do not have PTSD or any PTSD-type symptoms, and the fact that you can't seem to drop this is sad, and a little strange. If it makes you feel better to think someone like myself has changed her views on birth (is change a bad thing to you?) because of 'PTSD', then go ahead. Just continue to believe what you want to believe and skip on your merry way.
If you "struck a cord", it is because I am so sick of the arrogant "birth advocate" types like yourself. The ones that say they support women, but in reality, don't.
So, you go about trying to put someone down by totally ignoring what they are saying and proclaiming they can't really feel the way they say they do; it must be 'PTSD'.
This black and white thinking is detrimental. And it only divides; there is no REAL support involved, unless you are preaching to the choir.
You are making the perfect example for me, thanks.
And remember, people think differently than you do.
I also have an email address (at the top near my profile) if you want to speak more in depth. Going back and forth on my blog is getting old.
Hi Michelle...this is the first I have read your blog and this post mirrors many conversations a friend and I have had over the past year. She started out as a homebirther with her first child, then developed preeclampsia necessitating induction at the end of her pregnancy. (and before anyone brings it up YES, it was confirmed, YES, they tried absolutely everything to prevent the induction, and she was only her midwife's second client in over 1,000 to have ever gotten preeclampsia. YES, she has heard of the Brewer diet, and the diet she was following when she developed preeclampsia was actually very high in protein and similar to the Brewer diet.) She had a grueling induction with most of the trimmings, including an epidural and 3+ hours of pushing.
Anyway, for her second birth, she chose a hospital, and an OB. Much of her experience was traumatic the first time, but she felt safest in the hospital. I could go on and on about that, but the upshot is that she developed preeclampsia again, needed to be induced AGAIN, and felt great about her decision to be at the hospital in the first place. She had her baby naturally, but begrudgingly and felt like maybe her doula "tricked" her into waiting too long for the epidural. She's proud of what she did, but she really would have preferred the epidural.
Now my story. I have had a birth center birth, a home birth and a home birth transfer for my third baby due to asynclitic positioning and arrested progress in third stage. Would you believe that a week after my birth when I took my beautiful baby in to work for a doula meeting, one of my friends, a doula herself and homebirth midwife, had the audacity to question exactly which steps my midwife had taken at home to reposition my baby? It felt like a quiz as to whether I had "done enough" to prevent my transfer. When you can imagine how raw and intense my emotions were about the whole experience were already (and still can become a year and a half later). And by the way, yes, I had tried absolutely everything except double stair walking because I was in so much pain that my midwife was afraid I'd become homicidal if she suggested it. I'm good with my choices.
People, we need to stop interrogating other women about their choices and experiences. I think it's easy to get caught up in that because for so long we have heard the stories of unnecesareans that have all the bells and whistles leading up to them, and we want to tell the world that NO your baby would not have died at home, that your baby and you would have fared better with better care. But that pushes people into this militant space that becomes disrespectful and dehumanizing to women.
I am a better doula for my experience. I have had a hard time accepting that I am not "militant" anymore, that I can be a fierce supporter of homebirth for those who want it without encouraging it for those who don't, that I can be a "true" doula while still being someone who really and truly can support any kind of birth the MOTHER wants. It has been a long road to have a more open mind and heart, but I truly believe it makes me better. If not better, at least a better choice for some women.
That was a long ramble, but I wish you continued growth on your journey and a blessed, safe pregnancy and birth should your life put that in your hands.
Amie,
Thank you so much for your beautiful and articulate comment. I couldn't have said it better myself. I can relate to what you wrote 100%, as this is where I am on my journey as well.
I am sure you are a wonderful doula. It takes a lot of maturity to truly and wholly support someone else in their choices, even if you wouldn't choose it for yourself.
Good for you. I think you hit on something that many people miss. Cesarean delivery is such a difficult, emotional let-down for some, that many mothers will go to the extreme opposite for their next delivery. Congratulations on getting to the next level. I hope that if you do concieve again, you are able to have a wonderful, peaceful birth.... whether it be in the hospital, with or without an epidural, as long as it's the birth you desire.
Blessings,
Kristin
this post is wonderful, and hits the nail on the head.
my daughter died as a direct result of my homebirth and my less-than-well-trained-midwife.
you wanna talk PSTD Erin? try "catching" your baby who died with her lungs filled with blood, to have the police take custody of the body because she died at home, then wait to even see and hold your baby until three days later when she is discolored and cold and stiff.
do i trust birth? hell no. i have had three perfect midwife vaginal births, followed by a vaginal birth that would have been a c-section in the hospital- a birth that in the hospital would have given me a living daughter to nurse right now while i type this.
instead i got a grave plot and a tiny white casket and the inability to go more than hour without crying.
my next birth will be in the hospital, and frankly i don't care if the have to give me brain surgery to bring out a living healthy baby.
I just found your blog and have struggled with my son's births. First was an induction to fd/ftp etc. This led me to pursue a hospital VBAC, never allowed to try b/c went postdate, a beyond traumatic no need general anesthesia c/s, don't ask.
I'm now pregnant with my third and just trying to accept that this birth will be what it will be. I can't beat myself up anymore with all the should'ves. I just want to move on and be happy with my healthy sons, healthy me and welcoming a new baby.
I hope to get to your mental state soon. Thanks for putting it into words for me.
"You want a homebirth? Great. A hospital birth? Awesome. A repeat cesarean? Perfect. An epidural? Nice. Whatever works for you. I am not here to tell you what's better, or who is the better mother, woman, parent,(fill in the blank here) for doing it this way or that way."
Thank you! I wish every woman could say this. I really needed to hear those words. More power to those who have had the "perfect birth" I am truly happy for you, but don't down me for having three sections when I couldn't help it. Thanks again for your honesty. :) And I can't wait to read about your next chapter in life.
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