"Birth" memories

Yesterday Jason, Mason and I went to Joni's house for our prenatal appointment. She has a really cute house, which they have been updating slowly for 3 years, so she can feel my pain. Actually, while we were there, her husband was upstairs sawing away.

Mason had fun playing with the toys she had (she has 2 little boys), as we did the usual blood pressure, urine, heart beat, and talking. I love prenatal appointments with her--I am sure it's very similar, if not the same, with every homebirth prenatal appointment. First off, it is in a house (mostly likely your own) so the atmosphere is so relaxed and anything but formal or clinical. If only I had really looked into this or at least thought about it the first time around.

The appointment went great. The next one is scheduled at my house January 26th. Holy crap, I will be entering my 3rd trimester already by then!

After the appointment, we went to the town where we used to live before. The town Mason was born in. It's a Connecticut suburb of New York City, a quaint beach town right on the sound. I miss it there so much. We hope to buy our 2nd or 3rd house there. It is a pricey place, but it is where Jason and I aspire to live again. We used to live right in the downtown area. We lived within walking distance to everything, and it had a wonderful small town community feel to it. I have a very strange and strong attachment to it....it's where we became a family. It's where Mason lived his first 8 months of life, it's where I gave "birth" to him. So many memories.

I don't know if Mason remembered it, but he had a blast. We stopped at our favorite pizza place and had some pizza, we took a stroll to the playground and let Mason run wild. He then led the way back towards the street and on the sidewalk--for some reason he finds it more fun to walk around town than play on the slides. We stopped in for some hot chocolate at our favorite coffee spot, and took Mason for a stroll in the stroller. Even though it was windy and chilly, he did not want to leave the stroller. He didn't want to go home. Maybe he did remember it, I don't know.

Ever since yesterday, I have been feeling a little melancholy. Being there really brought back a lot of memories. Especially being pregnant again, and it was around Mason's due date (December 28th)....it felt like I was there again, waiting to go into labor. I thought I wouldn't be bothered about those feelings this time. I thought last year healed me. Maybe if we didn't go there yesterday, I wouldn't be thinking about this right now. There is a sadness when I think of that place.....like I lost something there and I mourn it...still. Just when I think I am "over it"...POW. It comes back to me again.

Not only am I thinking about how Mason's birth went, I am wondering how this one will go. This baby will come out of me. Whether it be at home or on the operating table, she will be leaving my body. I know I could very well end up with another cesarean. I don't want to have another surgery, but it very well may happen. Before Mason was born, I had no idea how much a birth experience could affect you---I had no idea how important it was. I meet a lot of women who had good birth experiences who just don't understand where I am coming from, maybe they took it for granted, or it really isn't that important to them. Then I meet those that had such a high from their birth, such a great, empowering feeling, that they can understand how shitty it would be to have that ripped away. They can understand how demoralizing a birth can be (made).

Mason's birthday is just around the corner. He will be two. I cannot believe he will be two. He's been in our lives for two years, but it feels like a lifetime. It's strange to think that someone so special in your life doesn't even exist for a big part of it. It also pisses me off that our much anticipated meeting was totally ruined...for nothing. No emergency. Just crappy obstetrics and crappy hospital "care" with their fucking love and overuse of intervention. Sometimes I even ask myself why can't I just "get over it". Then there are times when I really think I am. Then there are the times when I get a sudden memory of his "birth", or I learn something new. Like the other night, Jason and I were talking about Mason's birth--I don't know why, maybe because his birthday is fast approaching--and he told me it was not 2 hours that I was without Mason, but it was actually 2 1/2 hours until I saw him. My own son didn't know me for 2 1/2 hours--his first 2 1/2 hours. I don't think I will ever "get over" that. I don't think I will ever find peace in that.

23 weeks and Christmas pics

Here I am at 23 weeks.









Christmas was nice. Mason got some really nice presents: his favorite by far has to be his Blues Clues Handy Dandy Notebook! He would not put it down, it followed him everywhere. My dad, my sisters and niece came over earlier than expected, so we had a long time to relax and hang out before eating.

Here are a few pictures:




Brianna and Mason playing with his Dora backpack from Auntie Annie.





Anne, Angel and me.




Mason and Daddy (and our cat Fatty)




Angel




Good 'ole dad




Mason and his Handy Dandy notebook




His Yo Gabba Gabba step pad from Auntie Angel.




...I just had to add this one.

Merry Christmas!

Boring is good

I feel like I have been neglecting my blog lately. Maybe life is just kind of boring right now--I guess that's a good thing though. The pregnancy is great, Jason and Mason are great, the holidays are just around the corner, and all is right with the world.

I just feel the need to post something, so here it goes.

My next appointment with the midwives at the birth center (Ugh... I cannot leave their practice soon enough) is January 7th, and that's the day that I get to schedule my follow up ultrasound to check if the placenta has moved. After the initial annoyance and alarm faded away, I can honestly say I am feeling pretty confident that it has indeed moved. I just hope I can get squeezed in for sometime in January. I just want to get it over with and finally focus on the homebirth. I don't particularly like some of the midwives there--there is one in particular. Unfortunately, this was the one I was assigned to. Well, leaving there for good will be nice. Anyways, no one can beat Joni in my book. She is the best midwife (or just a general care provider) I have ever met. Not to mention a great person. Speaking of Joni, our next appointment is at her house this time. It is December 29th.

This Christmas, my Dad, my sisters Angel and Anne, and niece Brianna will be coming over for dinner. It'll be nice to "host" an actual event at my house...well, it's not formal or anything..at all. It's just nice to have people over my house for a dinner that I cook.

Let's see.....what else, what else? I think that's it. See, it's pretty boring around here lately. Like I said, I guess that's a good thing. I am sure we will not be bored in a few months....late night feedings, sleepless nights, a million diaper changes, juggling two kids while being out and about, consoling a crying baby and dealing with Mason all at once....so, yeah, I am enjoying these boring days. To the fullest.

22 weeks

Today I hit 22 weeks. Honestly, I am getting a little scared--yet at the same time I am getting very excited and anxious to meet Hannah. Not to mention wondering how the birth will go...




We got hit with a pretty big snow storm today, Winter Storm Austin. After dinner, Jason went out to shovel the driveway, and mason and I eventually joined him. Here are a few pics of our night in the snow. It's really cool seeing Mason start to get really excited about snow.


He loves these candy canes.



Mason and daddy.






Mason and mommy :)



Mason conquering the snowbanks.

Tell it like it is

Someone just posted an excerpt from a book she was reading. It was written by a doctor. It's called "Confessions of a Medical Heretic" by Robert S. Mendelsohn, MD. If I could somehow shorten this, it would be in my siggy.


"By treating childbirth as a disease, the obstetrician makes his
intervention indispensable. If obstetricians acknowledged the fact that
more than ninety-five percent of births proceed entirely without
complications, more than ninety-five percent of their services would be
recognized as unnecessary. That would mean a lot fewer obstetricians - as
well as healthier families. Instead, what we have is childbirth taking place
in an operating room. Of course, it may not be a bad idea to have all
hospital births occur in an operating room, since hospital births are a lot
more dangerous. Babies born in the hospital are six times more likely to
suffer distress during labor and delivery, eight times more likely to get
caught in the birth canal, four times more likely to need resuscitation,
four times more likely to become infected, and thirty times more likely to
be permanently injured. Their mothers are three times more likely to
hemorrhage."

AMEN!

21 Weeks

We took tons of belly pics today (and this is barely half of them).

21 weeks and 1 day pregnant...and boy is my ass getting huge! Enjoy!









(....and here comes mason!)

We have a name....

At first, Jason and I were pretty sure we were going with the name Juliet Anne. Then we sat down and thought about it....Jason actually wanted to go through the baby name book again to find a name that just screamed at us, "That's it!". Juliet is a nice name, but just wasn't doing it for us.

We looked for a while, then I saw a name that we have heard and seen a million times, but this time it was different. This may sound corny, but it's as if she said, "that's it mommy--that's my name.."

It was Hannah.

Hannah is of Hebrew origin. In Hebrew it means: Favor; grace. We looked for a middle name. I flipped through the book, and started flipping through "L". Then I saw it:

Love.

"How about Love?" I asked.

"Hannah Love", Jason said, "....that's it. Hannah Love".

So there you have it folks....

Hannah Love

20 weeks

Side view.....





...and front view.



(Ugh. Sorry the pics are so dark--we have our handy cam and use it as our digital camera too. For some reason, there is no flash option!)

I can't believe I am 20 weeks today! The halfway point! This pregnancy really is flying by now.

The house--so far, so good

I am very happy to report we no longer have paneling in the house! It was so ugly and dreary, so I am glad it's gone. Jason did most of it by himself, since I am pregnant and all, and he did an amazing job! Of course, I picked out the colors and purchased the curtains and other decor. The house is still not done, though. We still need to put up crown molding and base molding,and plan on painting the nursery, Mason's bedroom and our bedroom before the baby gets here. Some time next year we plan to finally take out this AWFUL carpet! (Carpet, cats and kids do NOT mix!) We want to put in some hardwood floors, most likely dark walnut.

Here are a few before and after pictures. There is still some decorating that needs to be done, but you get the idea!


Old living room:





New living room (with mace watching Yo Gabba Gabba)!









Old dining room:





New dining room!








Here's our tree: