The fate of the morning paper......

I guess Mason found the paper that was left on the coffee table. :)

AF is here!

I never thought I would be so happy to see it. It is surprisingly pretty light, and no cramping whatsoever. Hmmmmm.....the calm before the storm?

Well, it just feels good to be on a new cycle. A new, clean slate. Please, NO MORE 50 DAY CYCLES!

Some more wonderful news--one of the members of our private little "TTC Misfits" group just got her BFP! I couldn't believe it when I saw the post this morning--I had to do a double take. Just like I told her, this has given us all hope!

It will happen.

Canceled OBGYN appointment

No OB appointment today. Jason was tied up at work, and I had no one to watch Mason while napping. So I called and asked them to reschedule. They had something open tomorrow at 10 AM, but that wouldn't work either. The next available time slot was June 28th. So I said Fuck it and I will just schedule one some day. I figure I will just give this next cycle a shot, and if it's the same, shitty song and dance, then I will schedule.....maybe. I hate them anyways--so rude and unprofessional.

Hopefully by the time I am pregnant or in need of another appointment, we will have moved into our new house in Danbury so I can start seeing the Midwives at the birth center--the only freestanding birth center in Connecticut. If I were to go the hospital VBAC route, I would go with them at Danbury Hospital. I had posted before how they can't take VBAC's at the birth center anymore for "liability".

Liability shmi-ability.

Oh AF.....where art thou?

Okay, I know I just took my last dose of Provera yesterday, but I would love to see AF now. Let's just get the cycle DONE WITH. Wow, what a hellish 50 days this has been!

I have my OBGYN appointment tomorrow. I really am curious about what will happen. Last time I called, Carol the Medwife told me that they don't prescribe Clomid anymore, they would refer me to an RE. Would they refer me to an RE already?

I wonder if I should continue taking Vitex next cycle? I am afraid to, since that may be what messed up my cycles, but I am also afraid to not take it and miss out on possible shorter, more normal cycles. Maybe I will ask the OB's advice, maybe she has seen some type of pattern with the use of Vitex.

I will update tomorrow after the appointment.

So fucking angry

Warning: As you saw in the title, this post will be raw and full of venom. If you are sensitive to this stuff, please read no further.

I was on ICAN's (International Cesarean Awareness Network) main email support list, and I saw a post that made my knees quiver. A woman was 40 weeks pregnant, and had a placental abruption and uterine rupture. Her precious baby was stillborn. A little boy whom they had wanted so badly. I cannot even begin to understand why anyone should have to go through this.

WHY!!!????

I have to say, I have been a member of other mainstream message boards for a long time. All expecting clubs. There are hundreds of women on those things. You definitely come across heartbreaking miscarriages, but rarely stillbirths.

Since I have been a list member on ICAN for about a year, I have seen quite a few posts about stillbirth, and some about uterine rupture.

What do all these women have in common?

If you guessed A FUCKING CESAREAN SCAR! You would be correct!

Some of you may be thinking,"EXACTLY---higher chances of UR and stillbirth after a cesarean, so just schedule a repeat next time".

Sorry, it's not the answer. That wouldn't be fixing the problem--heck, that wouldn't be even paying attention to the problem. That would be like sweeping it under a rug ,"It's all gone! Can't see it now!" We need to realize what a PRIMARY cesarean section can do. It can kill. I can't believe some people take this so lightly. Look what it is doing to mothers and babies! Many women have cesareans that are unnecessary, and when and if they want to become pregnant again--there are a whole new set of problems. It's really sad to see that a tragedy could have been avoided if there was never a cesarean in the first place.

Women are being cut more than ever---see the repercussions of that?? All you medically unnecessary elective cesarean ladies---SEE WHAT CAN HAPPEN??!!!! Wonderful, isn't it? And signing up for a repeat next time won't always "save" you or your baby from harm--it can and does happen before labor, or before your "life-saving","convenient" and "easy" cesarean can take place at a nice and neat 39 weeks. I am pissed off that women are signing up for this surgery, or being cornered into one, and without full disclosure of the whole, wonderful and long list of cesarean risks. I am pissed off that women who want to avoid another cesarean, and want nothing but what they feel is the safest way for their child to be born--have their precious babies leave much too soon, and most likely due to the previous cesarean section (most likely UNNECESSARY in the first place!)

Then you have all the doctors and the ignorant sheeple assholes saying, "Well, see? She should have just signed up for a repeat cesarean at 40 weeks".

You cannot predict these things! Hindsight is always 20/20. To say that--to even think that about a woman who has just gone through this HELL--makes you a heartless asshole. And, as I stated before, signing up for that "safe" repeat cesarean before 40 weeks does not mean you are in the clear anyways. You just never know.

I would be lying if I said these horrific stories don't scare the shit out of me. They do. But a repeat cesarean doesn't make me feel any safer. The thought of another surgery--more scarring, more depression, more meds, even more risk of future infertility and placental/uterine problems, separation from baby, breastfeeding issues, more pain, recovery......it just scares me to death.

Cesareans suck.

A Lazy Sunday Afternoon

Today was a glorious day.

We lounged around all morning, we went to the park, Jason made a wonderful dinner from scratch, we walked around town lazily with Mason; letting him lead the way. We did not get into the car even once.

I had my camera phone in tow, trying to capture a day as wonderful as today in photos.

Memorial day weekend 2008

I took a lot of cute pictures today at the family cook out, so I thought I would share.

Not much going on....

We most likely aren't going to get the house--I guess someone said the house isn't for sale, so it has to go through this long drawn out legal crap. Oh well.

We did find another house though. It's in an even nicer area, closer to the lake, and it looks even nicer from the outside. The house has been on the market for about a year, and the asking price is now almost $100,000 less than it was originally listed for! Thankfully, it's not a short sale, and the owners are very motivated. That's great news for us, because we will be offering about $20,000 below what they are asking. I will keep you updated on the house hunting situation periodically.

As for TTC-I don't think I did ovulate. My temps are really, really low for post-o temps. Heck, they're even too low for my post-o temps. It seems my temp is slightly elevated due to the Provera, but that's it.

I am currently on day 6 of Provera, and I am anxious for AF to start. I am a bridesmaid at my sister's wedding on June 14th, and I really don't want to be having a Provera-induced AF while I am stuffed into a dress and heels, and partying all night.

We may have found our first home!

I am very stressed out right now, but nothing really bad.

Jason and I have found a house we might be able to buy! It is a short sale, a beautiful home in a very nice area. The house has gorgeous landscaping with half an acre of land. We both love it! Our realtor is friends with the broker (finally some good luck!) and is working with her to help us get it. It almost seems like a dream. We both really, really want this house. We are just waiting for the broker to get back to our realtor, and we will submit our offer. Our realtor basically told us that if we submit the offer we are planning on--we got the house. I am so anxious and excited, I feel like a child again waiting for Christmas. We will hopefully hear more about it tomorrow.

On the TTC side of things, I took my first dose of Provera last night. I woke up this morning with my highest temp yet. I though that the Provera might have caused the high temp. Just to be sure, I checked my cervix, and it was closing and getting firmer. Hmmmm.....Did I just ovulate after I took my first dose of Provera? I kept checking my cervix throughout the day.....definitely closing and lowering. I wonder if it's just the Provera causing this, or I really did ovulate? I think I will continue to take it though. If I did indeed ovulate, I don't feel confident that it would result in conception, especially since the last time we had sex was whole two days before. Seeing that for the past 8 months we have been having sex the day before (or make that many days before), during and after ovulation without any sign of conception--I would think this month is way out in left field.

But then again there is Murphy's Law. It just seems to love me. So maybe I just need to keep doing the opposite of what I am actually doing to get what I want. Maybe we did do it this month.

I hope I can sleep tonight. My head is spinning with houses and big bellies.

Provera...please work you magic

So I called my OBGYN today, and requested an end to this hellish cycle. I spoke with Carol the Medwife. She told me she was calling in a script of Provera. Oh thank you! I hope this works, FAST! She told me it is a pack of 10, to take them once a day before bed (I guess they make you sleepy).

Provera, please, please work...and FAST.

Then and Now

I am feeling very nostalgic today.

I am having a huge moment of clarity right now. I have a beautiful son. I am a Mother. I remember him as a tiny little baby, so fragile looking. Now he runs around like crazy, getting into everything, having fits and scraping his knees. I can't believe he is my little boy sometimes. He is 16 months old now; he is growing up so fast. I always heard that comment and it sounded so cliche, but it's true. I guess time flies when your having fun!

Here are some pics:


Then.......










...and now......

Anovulatory cycle, anyone?

Ugh.

CD 38. Still have not ovulated. Keep having positive OPK's followed by no ovulation. Keep having ovulation pains. Breaking out badly. Unbelievably tired. Cranky. Miserable.

I am calling my OBGYN tomorrow and begging them for a script of Prometrium or something. I need to move on from this cycle.

I didn't take any Vitex this morning; I think I am going to go down to taking it once a day. So that would be 500 mg instead of 1000 mg. I know the bottle instructs me to take 2 a day, but I have a weird feeling that I just need to lower the dosage. I think it's what's messing my cycle up right now. I don't know if I should continue taking it or not.

At this point it's not even obsessing so much about TTC, but wondering and trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with my body.

C-Birth...isn't that nice

I came across an editorial today on http://www.truebirth.com/ about the new trendy term C-Birth, and the debate on whether a cesarean is a "birth" or not.

Here is the comment I posted:

I had a cesarean. It was after a "failed" induction. I hated it. It was ugly, and no, I wouldn't call it a "birth"--I actually cringe when I think about it.

I will admit, maybe it's easier for women who have had "unnecesareans" to refuse to call their c/s a "birth", than it would be for mothers who really had no choice in the matter. If a woman had a condition that would require a cesarean, maybe it hurts to have to admit you really "couldn't do it"--you didn't even have the chance. Whereas, I know I could have. I had no condition that required a cesarean, I had an induction for going "post dates" by a whopping 6 freaking days. My body wasn't ready, I was given only a few hours to make it past 4 cm, was given the typical bullshit "diagnosis" of CPD, and was wheeled off to the OR. It was not an emergency, but "failure to wait". My cesarean was most definitely unnecessary.

IMHO, I think lots of cesarean moms get defensive because, let's face it, giving birth is something only women can do. To miss out on a healthy vaginal birth sucks, many won't admit it, but it sucks. To admit someone else could do it and we couldn't, is a blow to the ego. We have to rationalize it. Of course we LOVE our babies, kept them warm and safe for 9 months, but when it came down to it--we didn't get the finale--the climax. We "couldn't do it". Of course some will try to make themselves feel better. It's only natural. It's hard to hear stories, or see videos of mothers, not drugged-out, have the baby placed on their chest, warm and wet, the father cuts the umbilical cord, mother is alert, baby is alert, everyone cries with joy, the mother is MOBILE. Then you realize you really did miss out. During my c/s, I was so out of it, I missed my son's first moments, and didn't see him until hours later.

Cesareans are sub par to vaginal birth, for so many reasons--both physiological and psychological--I think everyone knows that deep down, beneath all that garbage society clogs women's minds with--"oh, a healthy baby is all that matters," and all that nonsense. Cesareans are not wonderful. It doesn't matter if it was really needed or not, having your belly sliced open and your baby extracted from you isn't pretty. Some women like to dress it up with phrases like "C-birth", well, I just prefer not to sugarcoat it.



I looked up the definition of "birth", and according to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, birth is:

1 a: the emergence of a new individual from the body of its parent b: the act or process of bringing forth young from the womb

So, technically, a cesarean is a birth. Your baby, though extracted, most definitely emerged from your body. It wasn't your husband's or the doctor's body, but yours. Personally, I still have a hard time equating cesarean to birth. I can't say "I birthed my son". I just can't. To me, saying a cesarean is a birth, is like saying junk food is the same as natural food. One is man-made, with artificial who-knows-what in it, the other naturally occurring in nature and is healthy for you to consume. Is processed food better than healthy, natural foods like bananas, avocado etc? Is it what nature intended for you to ingest and survive on? Sure, it has calories and will keep you alive, but is it really the best thing for you? Will junk food help you live a long, healthy life? I doubt it. So, though a cesarean is a (gulp) "birth", is it akin to a vaginal birth? Is it optimal? One is done to you--your baby taken out through a man-made birth canal, while the other is something you do--your baby pushed out through the intended birth canal. Is a cesarean the best thing for you and your baby? Is it what Mother Nature intended? In cases where a cesarean was unnecessary (be it elected or so-called "emergent") can you really say it was the best thing?

No, really, can you?

I didn't do a damn thing in the actual process of bringing my son into this world. I simply laid there like a lump on a log. A woman in a coma can "give birth" via cesarean section for crying out loud. We didn't do anything! That's right, I said it! We didn't take part in our child's birth. We were a pod that needed to be cut open, we laid there still and without feeling below our breasts. We laid there, that's it. Our babies 'emerged' from our bodies, just like Merriam-Webster said. If you want to call that birth, then more power to you.

I don't think I could ever say "I birthed my son" with a straight face. Instead of "C-Birth", I prefer "Sub-Birth", "emerged" or "Junk-Birth", maybe even "almost a birth but not quite-Birth".

Yet another + OPK

CD 35...still have not ovulated. Cervix still SHOW. Having slight ovulation pains. 6th positive OPK this cycle. Not banking on it.

Maybe the stress of house hunting is delaying ovulation, maybe jogging, maybe it's both. What I do know, is that jogging is a HUGE stress release for me. If I didn't jog, I would be feeling like shit, looking like shit, and stressed out. Jogging is healthy, stress is not. So, if it is jogging that is delaying ovulation, I guess I have to tough it out because I am not stopping. It's not like I am a jogging fanatic; I only run 3-4 times a week, for about 20 minutes. I don't think that qualifies as over-exercise. Maybe my body, with starting to workout again and taking Vitex, is trying to even itself out.

This is confusing.

This is the longest cycle I have charted so far. If I do ovulate today, it will be 49-50 days long. Holy crap. At this rate it will take us forever to conceive. I do have an appointment with my OBGYN later this month, hopefully we will get to the bottom of this.

I really, really wanted to do this all med-free. Vitex is an herb, so I still think of it as a non-invasive approach to TTC. It obviously hasn't done anything this cycle, and though I know it may take a good 3-6 months to start seeing results, I don't think I can wait that long. I don't know if I can do just one more 50 day cycle. It is driving me insane and making me lose faith in my ability to do what my body is supposed to do. If the doctor wants to bring on the Clomid, at this point, I am all for it.

Mother's Day

Today we went to visit my mother at the nursing home. It was a beautiful day, and she was in good spirits. We had a wonderful time.

After the visit, we went to get ice cream at Dairy Queen. Mason really enjoyed having his share of mommy and daddy's Blizzards. He also enjoyed playing with the big red spoons after we finished the ice cream. We went to Burger King after (ice cream just made us hungry!) and Mason walked around the empty restaurant as we ate-banging things with his red spoon.

Here is a picture of me and Mason--with the red spoon, of course!

Another day, another BFP that's not mine....

I just got word that an online friend got her BFP. She never said anything about TTC so I have no idea if she was trying or not. She has a nice big picture of the positive HPT posted up, wish it was mine. Don't get me wrong; I am happy for her, just sad for me.

I feel like I am being a big baby sometimes. According to some, I have "only" been trying for 8 months. Some of the women who have been TTC for years often like to throw this in the face of women TTC for under a year. Just because someone decided until you have reached the magic 1 year mark, you are not yet "infertile", you are just taking a "little longer" but it's "normal". Just because you think someones' pain is not as deserved as yours, doesn't mean their pain isn't validated and shouldn't be felt. That pisses me off more than anything. You needed support at those times, why shouldn't any other woman-TTC 3 months or 18 months--not receive it? You were once at the 8 month mark--and it hurt then, and it hurts now.

Time doesn't change a fucking thing.

Banging my head against the wall

That's what irregular periods are like.

I am so over this. At this point, it's not even so much the "Why am I not pregnant yet", but the,"What the hell is wrong with my body?"

Why isn't it working properly?! *bang bang bang*

After the peak reading on my monitor and the 2 definitely positive OPK's, still no ovulation. It may be the Vitex, it may be the exercise, it may be my thyroid, who knows. What I do know is I made an appointment with my OBGYN for May 28th (I am not seeing that Medwife this time, she was awful), and we are going to get to the bottom of this. I am not leaving that office until we have gone over all my charts, the labwork, and the history of my irregular cycles.

I hope I ovulate and get my BFP by then, but I am not getting my hopes up.

Some recent pics

Jason, Mason and me at Mason's favorite park






Me and Mason:

Mason's first big boo-boo. Note the big bruise in the middle of his forehead.

Our cats, named Fatty and Skinny

Another + OPK CD 25

I just took an OPK at noon, and the test line was extremely dark-even more so than yesterday. I am pretty sure I will O either today or tomorrow.

I think I finally got a + OPK

I ran out of test sticks for the monitor, so while I was out today I picked up some Answer OPK's. When I got home I POAS, and what do you know? The lines were the same! I never, ever saw a + OPK in my life, and I was surprised and happy to see this one. I just know I have to O soon anyways. Like I said, my cervix is just sitting there--has been for days. Something needs to happen. I think I will O either today or tomorrow.



Here is the pic, it's blurry, but you get the idea. Yeah, I need a new camera phone.

Vitex: Friend or Foe?

I think Vitex may be delaying O. I am not sure, but I hope it isn't.

Remember that post about the wonderful peak reading on my monitor? How excited I was? Well, turns out I didn't even ovulate! The only time I actually get a peak or positive indication of impending ovulation--it doesn't happen. Go figure.

It may be a few things actually.

1.) I am jogging at least 3 times a week, much more consistently than last month, so that could be delaying ovulation.
2.) Stress about finding a house
3.) Vitex

It could be a coincidence, but I have noticed that my EWCM has been pretty non-existent this cycle as well. Even with the green tea, which gave me copious amounts last cycle. I even googled "vitex" and "delayed ovulation", and read quite a few stories that it did just that to some women. I also came across a site for herbal remedies when TTC. It said Vitex can delay ovulation in some women.

Great.

I will continue to take it though. At least through the next cycle. Maybe it isn't the Vitex. This is really confusing. Even my cervix seems confused. It's been sitting high, soft and open for about a week, probably twiddling it's thumbs wondering what the heck to do.